Sorry seems to be the hardest word

Part 1 "Beautiful...."

Every time he looked at her, he felt a sharp knife going through his heart. Literally physical pain but most of all the overwhelming feeling of guilt. He saw her serious face and knew he was the reason of her sadness. When she was with Yusuf, she laughed and made faces. With him she faded. He missed her smile, he missed those sparks in her green eyes. He used to stare at her when she wasn't looking, just to see how she took her hair behind her ear. When she was reading, she bit her finger or played with a lock of her hair. He could easily call the sight of Seher rolled up on the couch, wrapped up in his sweater. He'd prefer to see her in bed but ...

He would dream about her. Sometimes he'd wake up in the middle of the night, certain she was calling him. He could hear her voice and feel her touch every time he closed his eyes. He cursed himself thousand times for hurting her.

He remembered the first time he saw her. She irritated him with her stubbornness and resistance. He got used to everybody getting out of his way and wasn't prepared for such complications. She was afraid, true, but at the same time she had this annoying courage.

Annoying and endearing. She fought for the child like a lioness, she sacrificed her own safety to make Yusuf happy. Yaman tried to scare her, naively thinking he could scare her off. So he figured he could keep her in the house to control her. And that was the beginning of a long trip.

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She quietly stole his heart. Not even once did she use any force to do that, he himself didn't know how exactly but she became like an inseparable part of his life. He looked for her in the house for no reason, wanted to see her at the table, ate the worst omelet in his life just because she made it, and drank that horrible herbal tea because she said it was good for him.

He let her take care of his wound although he felt awkward but it made her come to his study and he could spend some time around her. He was mad at himself for such weakness but couldn't really explain why he needed her care. So he tried again to push her away and behaved in a harsh, rude manner. Didn't work well. Because when she was away, he looked for her and felt something missing.

She taught him what it meant to love unconditionally when she was with Yusuf, never asked for much for herself, never imposed on. He remembered when she told him what home meant for her, he was impressed. She loved just because, she was loyal and caring.

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How the hell did he come up with the idea of believing that lie, he never understood. He hated himself for being so stupid. He used to boast himself for always judging people accurately, he was a reasonable and thoughtful person. And just a moment proved him wrong.

He didn't resist and overcome the mere thought of her not being his. The wrath he felt in his heart blinded him completely. Never tried to ask her, just let the anger grow and turn him into a cold-hearted, cruel executioner. He decided to cut her off to save himself from going insane.

He pushed her away and created a wall based on the pictures. He felt it would be better to convince himself about her betrayal rather than cut the wound wide open to find out about details. He punished himself for believing her and being gullible. How could he let a woman to catch him off guard?

A gold- digger, a cheater, a beautiful liar....

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Beautiful. She was beautiful. As a man he felt her presence with his whole body. He liked watching her walk in her skirts flowing around her legs and hips, her fluffy sweaters covering slim body. Sometimes he would stop hearing the world around when he stared at her face. She was capable of disarming him with a single word. After the stabbing, he bravely hid the pain he felt because her touch brought him a whole lot a different sensation. He would let her stab him again if only she'd sit close to him and took care of that.

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And now he sat alone in his study and thought again and again how to explain everything. He wouldn't believe himself, to be honest. This was so stupid! How to convince this woman to not to kill him at once and leave as soon as possible but stay and forgive. Or at least give him a second chance. None of his arguments made much sense, nothing was meaningful and reliable. He was a jerk. A simple, mindless, stubborn jerk.

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Seher was sitting at the balcony and slowly sipping her tea. She was thinking about that day. Yaman's weird behavior, the flowers and car trip. Yusuf was so happy that she didn't want to spoil it but somehow she felt nervous.

The day started as usual, breakfast, coffee, shopping list made with Adalet. Yusuf started learning to write, so they practiced letters. And suddenly Yaman came and asked if they wanted to go to the zoo. She could see how Yusuf's face changes from normal to hyper excited. He was ready to leave in three minutes. But Yaman waited for her, he stood there like a tree trunk and looked at her. So she grabbed her purse and went downstairs.

Ever since the dinner with Ela and her fiancée, Yaman behaved oddly. She felt awkward with him and couldn't figure out why. Again he was nice and kind like the way he used to be but she was constantly alert. As if she carried around a bomb that could explode anytime.

Seher still heard his words in her head, she saw his mad eyes when he yelled "I hate you!". Her broken heart could barely beat. Her fall from being treated kind and gentle to being pushed and yelled at, hurt. As if she had to deal with two different people and was always afraid the other one could appear any moment. She feared of trusting again in this peaceful image. She saw his soft looks and kind gestures, she was accepting his protectiveness but continuously was expecting attack.

She realized this when they were playing a sponge ball in the hallway and Yaman wanted to catch it but the ball flew right toward Seher. She wasn't able to reach, so Yaman wanted to help and he violently hit the wall next to Seher. She shuddered and covered her face. He froze. Seher said something inaudibly and ran upstairs. Yaman continued the game but he felt completely shocked with what just happened. He understood immediately her reaction. And he painfully realized it was his fault. She was afraid of him. Of him!!!

Seher closed the bedroom door and hid in the bathroom. Her heart was pounding, hands shaking. She was angry she reacted that way.

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A very sad incident happened. During editing, my whole work just disappeared. Well, I will try to recreate it. :( Thank God for copies....
I apologize for losing all your comments. For me this situation is heartbreaking, for the story is very important to me.

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