The Justice

Chapter 7: Don't be a pussy

NOVA'S POV (flashback)

Ok i really need to get out of my head, but how? How can you get out of your head when you're so deep in it? It's like I'm trapped.

I feel lonely, there is no one to distract me from my own thoughts.

I want people to please people but I always feel like an extra weight on their shoulders, it's like people pretend they like me sometimes. Do they like me? probably not, there' s not a lot of people that consider me a friend and the people that do, could go away anytime.

I get snapped out of my own thoughts by my friend "how are you?" she asks "i'm fine" i say with a smile on my face, i'm always an open book but when my insecurities get the best of me i close myself in.

That's why I say I'm fine when I sometimes feel trapped in my mind, no one knows that about me. I am always a ray of sunshine in front of them to not make them feel bad or pity me.

I liked making people happy and appreciated, it's the feeling I was always lacking.

I got snapped out of my thoughts again by my teacher calling me, it was my turn to talk to her about my future. That happens every ending of the year, you talk with your teacher about your future.

"Hey Nova, how are you?" crazy it's always the question people ask first it should be simple to answer but still it's hard for me "I'm good, thanks"

"So how do you think it's going so far?" she asks

"I think it's going fine, i'm working as hard as i can '' I tell her noticing that her smile vanished quickly.

"Well if i'm being honest i have some doubts..." and of course i start to panic, my anxiety giving kicks right up my ass. "I believe you work hard, but i think you're too soft for this university, being a police officer is really hard, you need to be strong and resistible...and well i don't see that in you." she says giving me a look up and down.

My heart sinks to my feet, this is the thing I'm always scared of just not being enough. But weirdly that's not the only thing I feel, I feel angry I worked three years for this, always being appreciated by the teachers and now, at the end of the school when everyone has their lifes already planned, they are telling me im not good enough.

"What i'm trying to say is that i don't think this school is right for you" she goes on "We can look together what you can do as an other option." She asks searching through her dest looking for some job folders and university lists.

I really don't know what to do, it feels like i'm stuck on what to say. I know I need to do something so I nod as fast as I can. She keeps on giving me all these options and these folders for me to look at, but the only thing i can do is nod and simply say; 'yeah, sure'.

After a while she is done with giving me options, I honestly don't want.

Lastly she tells me i need to make sure i have everything packed, which i normally do because summer vacation is coming and we can finally go home, but now it's different and her telling me i need to take everything makes it hit even harder. The University was in the same area as my highschool but now I couldn't go there.

As soon as she told me I could go I quickly thanked her and walked away in shock. I am now crying, half cause i'm really sad and it just hits me like a train, but from the other side im really angry i worked so hard.

I look at all the folders with jobs and universities in disgust, on the verge of laughing hysterically. All these years of hard work only to be given some shitty brochures and guidance counselor to tell you you're not enough. I look at the smiling students with their thumbs up on the papers I hold and I cry even more. I felt hopeless, The only school I dreamed of going, now becoming an idea impossible to implement.