Armin's diary

April 2nd, 20XX

"Dear Meliora,

We never did this before, but I came up with this nice idea to get each other gifts since we're old enough and earn enough money to do so. And it's nice to give cool things to those you care about. I got Mikasa a necklace with a ruby stone, I thought she might like it. She said she did, but I still have the receipt in case she doesn't. I got Eren a new phone case because he always loses his cards and passes. On the inside me and Mikasa wrote a small personal message so he'll always think of us.

Eren got me a soap bar in the shape of a llama wearing a blue ribbon around its neck, he said it reminded him of me. Mikasa got me this notebook, however this one's really pretty. I decorated the front cover with dead flowers I found at my backgarden. To express my love for nature even more, I ripped a weak butterfly's wings off and stuck them on the cover with tape. It was better if I put the poor thing out of its misery. Sometimes I wonder if the body is ever looking for its wings, or if he's actually dead and the damp soil soaked in its soul.

I swore to myself to never again start a new diary, since I already finished 4 notebooks in the shape of diaries  before, down to the last page. I thought it was time for me to grow up and mature, but I notice Eren getting uncomfortable and giving me short answers when I try to empty my mind around him. Mikasa makes me feel uncomfortable with her emotionless stares. She understands me completely and she's sweet, but I can't tell her everything yet. I feel like her life is so perfect and precise, nothing ever goes wrong. I don't want to be a burden and approach them anymore with my problems. I don't want to show them I'm weak. So I'll start to write again I guess....
-
I love the way my geraniums bloom. They're spreading open so beautifully, so flawlessly, and if I spray them with some water and fertiliser, the water droplets reflect the sunlight and it's like a vintage picture straight out of a retro scene somewhere beyond this place. 30 years back. When life was simpler and easier to cope with. I wonder if my friends would want to come with me back in time. I could stare at my friends for hours in daylight, or watch their silhouette move in the dark with the sound of the rain softly tapping against my windows. Shifting into a dream where everything is good, nice and pleasantly warm, I could find myself laying down on a floating bed of soft flowers, tickling my cheeks and my toes.
For the love of God... my friends are everything to me. I love them. I want them to stay. I want them near me, I want to make them happy and see their beautiful smiles again. Especially Mikasa, she never laughs, only gives a soft smile that Eren doesn't even recognise or notices. I want to make her laugh more, and to me it's an accomplishment if I succeed. Which is barely.
I wish I could be as brave as Eren, I look up to him a lot. They're both so amazing and kind to me. I wish I could mean something back to them."

Armin takes a brief moment to close his eyes, expand his lungs and fill them with the cool air in his room. With his eyes closed, he can picture the furnitures around, and the longer he sits still and focuses on his breathing, the more the images of his surroundings start to fade. He does this once in a while to be more aware of the space around him and his emotions. He says he doesn't meditate but it's close to it. His bedroom was quiet, too quiet, that he swore his heart beating in his head was louder than his thoughts at the moment. He finally achieved what he wanted.

He breaks his moment by fluttering his eyes open, glancing through his blond eyelashes at the ink pressed on the paper, then moves to close the book. His eyes land on the white butterfly wings. "I'm sorry you're useless. But I promise I'll give you a purpose." The blond muttered under his breath and got up after he gained some hope. He went to take a shower and hissed between his teeth when the warm water touched his hips. He dried himself and carefully dipped the towel on his stinging skin, got dressed into his fresh-laundry smelling matching pyjamas then threw away his razors in the toilet and watched them disappear.