Sunshine | H. S.

20

After a day of catching up on my coursework, eating probably unhealthy amounts of vegan Haribo gummy bears, and a short trip to the grocery store to get food for the next week I'm finally sitting on the living room couch waiting for Natalia. It's Saturday evening and she's dragging me to Oliver's house for a 'quiet friendly gathering'. I mean until yesterday I didn't want to go, my bed, old episodes of The Office, and a bottle of wine sounded like a more interesting plan than going to the house of a guy I don't know to hang out with people I don't know while my best friend is probably making out in a bathroom like it's her senior prom, but then I found out that Curly was going too. That changed my perspective drastically. But it made me nervous as well.

Since we started this whole friends who sleep together thing we have only spent time privately and I honestly don't know how to act in front of other people. I mean we aren't anything but there's this unspoken mutual agreement that we aren't having sex with other people, so maybe we can act like something is happening between us, even if neither of us truly know what it is. This entire situation is just a giant head fuck and I hate that it's making me feel so insecure.

What if Harry doesn't want to be seen with me? What if I'm just someone he fucks and is sweet to behind closed doors but I'm not worth acknowledging in front of his friends? If that's the case, should it even bother me? Probably not.

I feel like a hypocrite even thinking about it so much because Harry and I both know that I'm not comfortable with public displays of affection, I can't even kiss him on the street in front of strangers. Never in a million years will I be able to be affectionate with him at a party like I am when we're alone. So why am I even thinking about how he's going to behave when I know that I'll probably be an insensitive ice block like I always am?

Parties are stressful when you're not just going to get wasted or have a casual hookup.

So now I'm sitting here, wearing an outfit I'll probably feel insecure about at least four times from now until I get home, fishnets and mini skirts aren't really my thing, waiting for my best friend to come out of her room so we can go to this party before I chicken out and lock myself in my room.

It's so strange how Harry makes me feel confident and insecure at the same time. Confident when I'm with him, when he looks at me like I'm the most beautiful person on the planet, when he's patient and sweet instead of pressuring me. But in moments like this, he makes me feel unsure without even being here or saying anything. Unsure because I want him to be impressed by how I look, as superficial as that may sound. Unsure because I know that he could do so much better than me, even if we're just casually fucking. Unsure because he is so so much more attractive than me in every way.

After a few more minutes of waiting for Natalia and her finally coming out of her room looking amazing as always, we finally leave our flat. A few blocks of walking and twenty minutes of riding the subway later we arrive at the apartment building where Oli apparently lives.

The loud music you could hear from down the hall made me doubt but when I stepped foot into the dimly lit flat it was confirmed that Natalia had lied to me.

Friendly gathering my ass.

This is a full-on party. One the neighbors will probably complain about. One of those you'll remember twenty years later and think damn, I was really shit-faced that night.

There's loud rock music blasting through the speakers, the flat is filled with people dancing, drinking, and probably doing other things you shouldn't do in public, and I can't spot anyone I know. I don't even know if that's a good thing or a bad thing.

"I will never trust your descriptions of social gatherings ever again" I shout at Natalia, not because I'm mad but because the music is so loud that she wouldn't hear me if I spoke normally.