HEALING

At the birth of a new decade, I had a feeling of hope. I was determined to improve both my mental and physical help. I was writing over a thousand words a day. My goal to travel to 30 countries before I turned 30 was nearly complete. Flights to Amsterdam and a cruise around Lisbon and the Canary Islands had been booked and paid for. I had been going to the gym every day for four hours every week apart from weekends. I had dabbled in new things like Zumba, spinning, kickboxing and heavy aerobics. 

Had life had carried on the way I had planned it to go, I would have been either super fit or super tired. Everything had come to a sudden halt when lockdown was announced. Thousands were losing their lives, freedom, jobs and way of life. One wave of Covid struck, followed by another. Nobody was immune. The hardest was having nothing to look forward to. With all the millions of hues, the only colour I could see was black. 

Covid taught me that death is the only thing in this world that is truly equal. It will chose anyone regardless of who you are. We were told to stay at home. As a key worker at a nursing home I couldn't. I had no choice. I needed to step up and work harder than ever before. To this day, I'm still plagued by what ifs and what could have been. 

My mind is always busy and I still struggle to be kinder to myself. 

It broke my heart when the adoption agency said no to me. Maybe if I come back later when I have a bigger place to live, maybe. One side of people say i'm not capable of looking after my own children, others say they're discriminatory. My own sacrifices are seen as a red flag to them. 

If you asked me what my dreams were ten years ago, it would be like this: go to Japan, write a book, get a boyfriend and be skinny. I made all them dreams true apart from the last one. 

I've had to wait longer to achieve my dreams: travelling around the world, starting my own family, reading all the books I've owned, completing the games I've bought, staying healthy. Above all, I am seeking things that will make me happy. My friends make me happy and I know that when I am able to travel and see my boyfriend, that will make me over the moon. 

I know I am entitled and destined to great things and nobody and nothing will stop me. Not even my autism. 

Just wait until you see the sequel.