THE SILENCE OF OUR LOVE STORY

01

JAI CHOSEN at 1-3 years old.

-A life I have-

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I couldn't actually remember me having a good childhood before. And to tell you frankly. . I can't even remember anything of me witnessing my 2nd birthday. As far as I could remember, I just. . Woke up. And the people around me were all crying. They were all cheering and yelling of joy. And they started singing a happy birthday song.

I never knew who I was. I don't even remember my name when I was three years old. I don't even know the people around me. 

I never understood anything. Anything. I never couldn't speak that time. So they had a hard time teaching and molding me.

The next thing I knew, I was three years old already.

JAI CHOSEN at 4 years old.

As a year passed, I finally knew who the people were surrounding me. Who I was surrounded with.
---They call it, family. I call them my family. It was also a year later since they locked me up in this stupid room of mine. I called it stupid since I couldn't get to play with anyone. I can't go out and play with the little kiddos outside.

I got scared. I felt so different from them. Depressing. 

Today's May 26th, 2005. I'm now four years old and I have silver white hair. Even if I felt so different from the people that surrounds me, I could still feel the love and support of my dad. 

"Jai, you better hurry up. We're leaving any minute by now." dad entered my room, helping me fix my oxygen tank.
"Happy birthday, Spacewalker Jai." dad said without removing his thick mask, covering his nose and mouth.

They always wear masks whenever they're with me. They told me that it's best for them to help me since I have an illness. Hindi ko nga lang maintindihan kung anong kalseng sakit ang meron sa akin but they told me to just trust them since they know best for me.

Today's my first time going out on a trip with my mom. . Dad and even ate. They look so excited. Hindi ko nga lang rin alam kung saan kami pupunta. I feel a bit anxious na may halong excitement rin.

Lately. . I've been dreaming the same dream in my sleep over and over. Hindi ko na din alam kung matatawag ko pa ba 'yon isang panaginip lang o baka. . Isang vision. A vision that. . I don't know yet. A vision that may speak about my future.

What were my dreams while sleeping? What do they speak of?

"WOOOHH-HOH!" nang nakarating naman kami sa lugar, dali dali namang tumakbo sina mom at ate Jia sa malayo at tumalon sa tubig. I . . . Got confused. What were they doing? What are they even doing?

Am I suppose to run like them? Should I remove this mask that's covering my nose and mouth? Where should I put this tank beside me? 

I was about to remove my non-rebreather mask when suddenly dad interrupted, "Oh no, dear! You're not supposed to remove that."

"Bakit naman po?" I questioned.

"Just keep it that way. Don't remove it unless we say so." He replied.

Then. . . What am I supposed to do then? Just sit? 

"Your mother gave you this. Happy birthday." Dad said in an awkward tone of voice. They're always awkward when they're with me. I never understood why.

As I took the gift while looking at dad, I saw dad remove his ask and smiled, "It's a necklace. Open it. It's your favorite."

As I looked down and opened the black rectangular box that has a name written on it saying "FOR SPACEWALKER JAI DEROSAS" in a gold color. I indeed saw a necklace. There was a moon and an astronaut's helmet hanging.

My heart raced double times fast. "Is this. . " I looked up to dad with tears on my eyes, "For me?" 

Dad nodded, "For Spacewalker Jai Derosas." 

I never understood why mom couldn't give me the necklace by herself. I never understood why mom always avoids me. I never even understood why ate Jia always push me away.

Am I far from you? Is it because of my white silver hair? Is it because your hairs are black and mine's silver white? Is that it? Or is it because. . I always carry an oxygen tank just to breath normally?

JAI CHOSEN at 7 years old

Since I was five years old, laging may isang doctor o nurse pumapasok sa kwarto ko nang wala sa oras. They would always check my vital signs, my skin, my breathing and even do random screenings. I felt so scared. But dad told me to just trust on the process. They won't harm me. They won't hurt me.

Two years passed, dad made me feel his love for me was truly the best. He decorated my old boring room in to something amazing.

He painted my ceiling black and placed glow-in-the-dark stars, the moon-- EVERYTHING! He made my boring room in to a room that an astronaut could live forever. Dad bought me a projector and my own laptop incase if I want to "Travel the moon."

Some doctors would come in the room and join me watch the beauty of the moon projected on the wall. Some nurses' jaws would drop because of amusement of my room. 

Who wouldn't? I have the best dad ever.

And as for mom, even though I can't feel her presence, she would always make her own ways to make me feel that she loves me. She bought me some costumes of an astronaut. She would bake me cookies that's shaped like the moon and stars. 

"I'M AN ASTRONAUT!" I said proudly to myself while standing in front of the mirror, wearing the spacesuit that my parents bought for me while placing both of my fists on to my waists. 

JAI CHOSEN at 10 years old

Years passed, it seemed a bit clear who I was. Answers were coming in to me little by little.

"SHE'S DIFFERENT FROM US, DAD! SO WHY DO YOU KEEP ON TREATING HER AS IF SHE WILL BE WHAT SHE DREAMS TO BE!?" Ate Jia questioned. 

"Don't say that, honey. We don't know anything about Jai's condition. Baka gagaling 'yang kapatid mo and she'll be the first astronaut in our family." Dad said in his most softest tone of voice.

"Keep your voices down. Jai my wake up." Mom said.

"Dad, aminin mo na. She doesn't stand a chance to live a normal life like us. So stop giving her your sweet side. Cos, she's and she'll forever be different from us." And because of ate Jia's words. . That made me feel like I was literally not like them. 

They thought I was sleeping. They thought I couldn't hear them. They thought I wasn't just on the other room. 

JAI CHOSEN at 13 years old

At thirteen, I painted a lot of artworks already. Mom and dad didn't bother to stop buying me expensive painting materials, and canvas. 

At thirteen, this was the age where. . They told me that,

"You have sleeprapheynia." The doctor said. Hindi ko man lang masabi kung nakakatakot ba itong sakit na 'to o hindi. Because, half of the face of the doctor's covered with a mask.

"S. . so, ano naman ang ibig sabihin no'n, doc? Mapapagaling pa ba ako?" I questioned while trying my hardest to keep my cool and not to panic.

The doctor stood up and lent out a sigh, "Well. . We did everything we could to study your case. But. . We'll just leave it to your parents to say everything." The doctor then left my room without even saying anything more. 

Why are they so distant with me? Why are they doing this to me? Are they scared? Scared of what? Hurting my feelings? Why do I feel like I'm a criminal? Why do I feel so trapped?

Thousands and endless questions kept running over and over inside my head.

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