I spent the car ride home crying, asking myself how could this ever happen. He seemed so happy, how could he have done that? I guess you can't tell how people really feel until something horrible happens. I cried myself to sleep for months. I started my freshman year all alone in September, I had no friends, I stayed to myself, convinced that anyone who would get close to me was going to leave. I shut everyone out of my life, I didn't want anyone to be near me. I started cutting myself that year, and in October, I attempted suicide for the first time. I was put in a mental hospital and stayed there for a little over a week. Over the course of the next few months, that was my life. I didn't want to live, how could I when my best friend couldn't? I cut deeper, I cut more, I cut in more places, I cut because I didn't know what else to do. I was put on anti-depressants, but how can that help you deal with loss? I stopped taking them, and started getting high off of them. I tried to commit suicide so many times and I was so mad at myself because I was still living. Why couldn't they just let me die? I didn't want to be in a world where I am alone and have no one to be there for me. I was put in therapy, counseling, groups, anything that my mom made me go into because I was screwed up.
After Danny had died, my mom changed. She became different to me, she didn't care that I was depressed, she made it worse. We would fight all the time, and everytime she would tell me to kill myself and she wouldn't care if I had. And then she would get mad when I tried to commit suicide. I started drinking and smoking again, I had quit smoking nearly two years ago. Everything in my life that could go wrong, went wrong. My godmother told me one time that she didn't care that my beat friend died and that I shouldn't cut across but down. That if I was going to try and die, I should do it the right way. My mom didn't care. She didn't care how much this hurt me, how much pain I was in. I stopped eating, if I ate I threw it up. Why should I eat when there are so many people who can't? I didn't have a care in the world. Everyday walking to school was hard, seeing cars I would debate about whether or not to jump in front of the car or not. It was the worst thing I have ever imagined. And it hurt so much, like you are just walking and you are wondering if today is going to be the last day. The last time you have to deal with everything.
