Sailing West

44 • Roles

Chapter Song: In Your Atmosphere by John Mayer

Salve Regina University, in concert with the Newport Public Library, presents Beauty and the Beast.

I took in the feel of the pages and the raised ink of each name.

LUMIÈRE....................West Tenney

That was my name. My real name. Printed in a real program for a real production of Beauty and the Beast. It was everything I ever wanted.

It was more.

Except, my excitement for opening night fell flat. Lia was cute and spunky and easy to get along with, but she wasn't Stella.

No one could ever replace Stella.

Even though I had it all—talent agents calling and parts to audition for and my father behind bars—none of it was enough. Not without her in my life.

So, I was going back to the Naval Academy. Next summer, I'd be in flight school, learning how to fly helicopters. Maybe I'd save a life. Maybe I'd get an award. Maybe I'd make a difference.

But above everything else, I wanted to be as far away from Stella and Spencer as possible.

"Ha Joon!" my mother called from the kitchen. Her tone absent of its usual edge. "Come help me with dinner."

I shuffled into the kitchen, rolling up my sleeves. Now that my father was in jail, my mother had kicked out all the military aides and the Navy culinary specialist that took care of our meals. My mother was too proud to keep them around, and I couldn't blame her.

I washed my hands before helping her form Korean dumplings. We worked together, silent for a time.

"I don't care if you want to leave The Academy. You know that, right?"

My mother didn't look at me. She just kept stuffing dumplings for me to pinch closed.

"I do now," I muttered. Trying to ignore the uncomfortable feeling twisting in my chest.

More silence came. More dumplings were formed.

Then, inexplicably, her hand landed on top of mine. I could feel her trembling. Unshed tears clung to thick lashes. My heart broke again.

"Ma—"

She didn't let me finish. "Family means forever, Ha Joon. I will always love you, and you'll always be my little boy, no matter what you do. I want you to live a happy life filled with blessings. That is my only wish for you." Our eyes met, and I realized just how much my mother's company and guidance meant to me. "Not awards or money. But, happiness and many blessings."

One tear landed on my cheek, burning a hot trail as it cut a path down my jaw. I didn't want to lie to my mom, but I had to. I couldn't let her think my life would end up as hollow as hers. Not after she'd spent so many years in a false, loveless marriage.

After I told Spencer everything that had happened between Stella and I, he hadn't said much. Nodding along when I'd told him about our dance. A look of rage when I'd told him about the former Lumière and how he'd tried to force Stella to kiss him. And disbelief when I'd told him that I was in love with her.

But, my best friend had smiled from ear to ear when I'd told him Stella loved him. Not me.

I'd bled my heart dry that night, and let Spencer study the autopsy report.

As I took in the hurt in my mother's eyes, I made a silent vow to never, ever marry. I couldn't. I wouldn't. The only girl who had my heart was in love with someone else. Someone good for her, and who loved her just as much as I did.

"I'm gonna be really happy flying helicopters," I told my mom. Forcing the brightest, happiest smile I could manage. "It's what I've always wanted."

My mom returned my smile. It made me feel good knowing I could still be the one to make her happy. It made the pain tolerable.

"You're a good boy, Ha Joon. I wish everyone in this world had a heart as big as yours. I think it would be a better place."

My attention returned to the dumplings.

Maybe if everyone was as fluent in lies as I was, the world would be happier. Or perhaps it would be just as cold and fucked up as it is today. Everyone told lies. Some kind. Some harsh. Some told in self-interest. Most told in embarrassment.

But at least Stella and Spencer both knew my truth. And they still chose each other.

"Thanks, ma."

We continued to make dumplings in silence, letting our hands do the hard work of keeping our minds busy.

Maybe that's all you could do when you were one of the unlucky. The unrequited. The unloved.

Find meaning in tasks and in uplifting those around you.

A/N

I added John Mayer's, In Your Atmosphere to this chapter. Fast forward to 4:14 to get to the best part of the song. If that's not West to Stella, then I don't know what is. Well, the whole song is a West vibe—so definitely check it out if you have a few minutes to spare and want to get up in your feelings.

I don't know if this broke your heart—but it definitely broke mine.