On Name Changing

A few days ago, my psychologist posed a question that turned my life upside down. And when I said upside down, I really meant it. Sleep had eluded me for the last week. My head was full of only that one question, the words resounding over and over again, like bells tolling.

"Are you going to keep your name? Or do you want to change it?"

Never in my life had I thought about changing my name. Not once. So, my psychologist's words took me by complete surprise.

"Change my name? Why? For what?"

"What do you mean why?" The woman had asked me, as surprised as me. Suddenly, she seemed to understand something and she became uncomfortable. "Well, Lindsey, many people in your situation, most of them in fact, change their names."

'People in your situation.'

Just like her, I understood all at once.

And it was true, a lot of transgender people decided to change their names when they started to transition. But I hadn't thought about that. In fact, I didn't want another name. I was very sure.

"Lindsey," the woman in front of me said, "Your life, your feelings, your thoughts, do not need to be like everyone else's. You are your own person, and there's nothing wrong with that. Do not think you have to change your name. Just consider it as a type of healthy self-examination. Something to get to know yourself better and nothing else."

I didn't think there was anything healthy in the way I had been thinking about her question, though.

"Lin!" James' voice rang loudly, almost right next to my ear.

My body jerked involuntarily and I turned to look at him with wide eyes. My boyfriend's face crumpled like paper and my heart gave a painful pang.

Girl, could I have made it any more obvious that I hadn't been paying attention to him for the last god-knew-how-many hours?

"I'm sorry," I said immediately, my face crumpling right along with his. "Honey, I'm so sorry. Really. There's no excuse. I should be listening to you. I'm the worst."

James sighed wearily and shook his head.

"Lin, baby, just tell me what's going on with you. Please. You're killing me here."

Looking away guiltily told James exactly what I'd been thinking about, no need for words.

"The name thing? Still? Lin, why is this eating you up so much!"

"Because I don't know what to do." The whine in my voice was childish and silly but I didn't care. I was sick and tired of thinking about the name thing too!

"Okay. You know what. Let's go over this. Together. Let's debate and discuss and talk and put it out in the freaking air because I don't want it to rot in your head and rot your brain along the way."