missed connections

burn & break

mysha pov

the coldest wind blew past me.

11 in the night. blood dripping from my forehead over to my dusty jacket. sitting alone at the bus stop, staring into infinity. sirens of ambulance whistles through the empty neighborhood. just like that it was over.  what should i feel? am i sad? angry? disappointed? regretful? stupid? i don't know. maybe all of the above.

isn't it funny? when you suddenly get something you wanted for a long time and turns out the gold was just plastic.
i kept digging my nails into my palm until there were visible scratches. this happens without me noticing. It's a reflex. it didn't hurt, what happened a few minutes ago did.

flashback

"it is all your fault, mysha!" he screamed at top of his lungs. 

"what do you mean, aarav?" i answered holding my composure. 

"you are always in my face about your stable income. i don't feel like a man around you ever since i have lost my job. a man should earn more than his woman. can you please not try to look after me? i feel belittled" aarav said. 

god, his usually pretty face looked so stupid and slap-able right now. i can't believe him. he did not just say that. freaking misogynistic piece of shit. he reminds me of my dad. it's suffocating me.

"did i tell you to punch our client in the face?" i snapped back. 

he lost his job 2 months ago because punched our client. he's been acting really shitty ever since. it's not the first time he has started an argument on this topic. i don't like this side of him. he is wrong. i tried to understand his point of view. it is exhausting me. i can't handle my life and a manchild simultaneously. 

i was thinking about breaking up for the last few days. it's ripping my heart apart. I'm in a dilemma. i cant murder his trust like that but i can't put myself through this hell hole too. i am trying hard to convince myself that 'it's just a phase, he lost his job, he is not able to digest it, he needs my support' but this is scaring me. i need to put myself first.

hearing this, he turned towards the window and rested his hand against the windowpane.

"you are the biggest mistake of my life. i wish i would have never met you. you don't deserve my love. you are so clingy, always running behind me, now and 8 years ago too. i pitied you and mistook that pity as attraction. i regret every moment we spent together over last 7 months. you think you got all that huh? look at yourself; you are worthless and weak. that's why your dad hated you till his last breathe" he spat in anger with his back still facing me.

it was quite difficult holding back the cold tears and not falling to the ground. i was angry at his sexist statements at first, but now i am hurt hearing his truth. does he really mean his spiteful words?

"aarav-" i tried to calm him down but a loud clash interrupted me. i instinctively shut my eyes and fists. is he going to hit me?

split second later, there was liquid flowing from right-side of my forehead. the cause was the pair of scissors in the stationery box he threw at me. the box hit the wall behind me after hitting me. it slit my thin skin very easily. my blood dripped from my forehead towards my cheek and then soaked onto the grey carpet on his apartment floor.  i didn't wince in pain. i couldn't. i became numb.

i could hear him mumble something in Korean. he didn't even bother to take a look at me. his back still turned, looking out the window. please turn around. look at me. say you are sorry. aid me. deep sting in my heart.

"leave" he commanded without knowing what happened behind his back. and i left without saying anything. there was nothing left between us now. all our love was dead and gone.

end of flashback

sitting here, i identify with a feeling called a tremendous amount of stupidity. i romanticized his arrogant personality thinking 'i could fix him' like those teen dramas. regret, resentment and rage were all i could feel. why did i waste the best years of my life on him?

he was always hidden in the corner of my heart. i wondered 'how he was doing' or 'where he was' or 'what would it be like if we were still in contact' from time to time.'

was he always like this? did i miss the red flags? is it really my fault? did he actually love me? is this even love? do i deserve this?

tears, i have many; but they won't make their way out. please, i want to cry, scream, curse, do something disastrous on impulse but my body isn't willing to move. i am stuck, mentally. just breathing in and out. the city which once was bustling with strangers felt like home, seems dull and weary now. this feeling sucks.

suddenly yellow light flashed on my emotionless face. oh the bus is here. sigh, i got work tomorrow. well unlike someone i know. or knew.