missed connections

gold rush : monologue

mysha's pov

8 YEARS AGO (ninth grade)

mymysha replied to your story.
what season are you on?

eelvaraa.
third, i think...

mymysha.
oh okay
next season will be a rollercoaster!!!

eelvaraa.
ok.

mymysha.
who's your favorite character????

eelvaraa.
Michael for now.

mymysha.
omg why??? Michael has a great character 

development arc. he was so shitty in S1.
the way he treated pam initially got on my nerves.

eelvaraa.
ok.
goodbye.

user eelvaraa has left the chat

what the hell? so rude for no reason. my back hurts from carrying this conversation.

PRESENT DAY

the day passed by pretty quickly. he was on the 18th floor for most of the time. there were awkward glances and work interactions between us. did he really not recall me or was he pretending to not know me so that it doesn't get awkward between us?

Jennie asked me out for lunch during the break. her friend from the HR department tagged along. his name was Edward something. i don't remember. he spoke only like 5 times during lunch. Jennie and I went on and on about our interests. it feels like we will get along. she is the first real friend i made since i came here.

7:48 pm
while i was returning home, watching the city lights from the taxi, my mind drifted toward him. how can he forget me? and why is it bothering me so much?

it was a bittersweet moment when i recognized him. i was relieved to know that he lived a comfortable life. he did what he wanted to do. i wonder how he has been all these years. all our conversations from years ago flashed before my eyes.

we went to the same school. he was my senior by a year. i don't really remember his face but most of my classmates thought he was pretty handsome.

i always used to notice him standing near the gate after school, with his yellow backpack, waiting for his then-girlfriend. he always sat at the same, seventh seat from the back in the bus. i didn't pay much attention after some time and let him fade into the background.

until i saw a slide on his Instagram story about my favorite show back then. we started talking about it and eventually, various other things. sometimes personal too. it blossomed into something special. for me at least.

our form of flirting was sending random emojis, goodmorning messages and memes. we met on Instagram. his username was really smart. it was aarav lee but reversed; that impressed me a little too much.

somewhere around November, i decided to take a break from Instagram. when i returned, he didn't waste any time and asked me for my number and asked if he can call. we talked for hours about anything and everything. sparks flew. there was romantic tension. or so i thought.

i confessed a year later. like they say, it's hardly possible for a human to hold a fart and hide his love. but i told him not to feel pressurized to answer cause he was preparing for boards. which was quite important than a silly junior clinging onto you. he was visibly tired. i didn't want to feel like a burden.

now that i think of it, i shouldn't have confessed; it might have distracted him. but i don't regret it. i shot my shot.......... and missed terribly. he asked if we can at least talk every day; we did! not gonna lie, that gave me a little hope. i behaved like a puppy with attachment issues.

he was a secluded and quiet person and i am an oversharer. he didn't open up about his feelings at first. i asked him if i had a chance as the boards were canceled. he said that he was waiting for me to ask him again. he reciprocated my feelings. it was a gold rush.

but the golden feeling didn't last long. now it was time for my boards. we talked a lot during the initial months. he got comfortable around me and sometimes even clung to me. it was cute. but apparently, it was a red flag according to my best friend. now i agree.

i loved seeing this side of him. he asked me to meet him for the first and last time before he leaves the town for his university. but i was falling behind on my grades so i really couldn't go to him. i wish i could have. then maybe things would have been different now. he was not the only reason, i had my own problems going on. deep down, we both knew a relationship was not possible for us.

my future depended on the grades i score this year. there was intense pressure from my mother and rightfully so. i never showed it but i was scared too. i was scared that i will fall behind the curve. i was the golden child. i got excellent grades easily when i was young. but i had a hard time adjusting. my shinest wheels were rusted.

8 hours of classes kept me busy. conversations got rare. he used to get tired of waiting for me to come online. he once told me that sometimes he feels like he's talking to himself in our chatbox. eventually, we fell apart. so far apart that we forgot to wish each other happy birthday. i remember his was on the 24th of February. 

our story only remained on our phones; we never met. he was now a beautiful, distant memory. he was the door i never opened. he was the train i missed. he was the book i never read. he was a story that was left untold.

we were a missed connection.