Toughest Story Yet

Chapter 5

"How's your story coming?" William asked. It was about an hour later and we were sitting in the local breakfast restaurant. The waitress had just brought our stacks of pancakes and I couldn't help but notice the way he eyed her back side.

"Oh, no," I waved my hand, taking a bite of the heavenly fluffy pancakes, "we are not talking about work. If you don't want to be that guy, then we are keeping the two completely separate."

"Okay, ground rules, then," he nodded, shoveling some pancakes in his mouth.

"We already established number one: keep the relationship out of the workplace and the workplace out of the relationship."

"Number two: can we still be friends?"

"Absolutely," I chewed, "then when one of us finds the real deal, we can just move on."

"Ouch."

"Don't think of it as a bad thing! That way, we both get what we want, get to keep our careers, and can stay friends. I'm sorry, but I don't think either one of us wants to quit our job for this."

He nodded along, "Number three: booty calls."

"How is that a rule?" I laughed.

"When one of us calls, the other has to treat it like a booty call, even if you don't have a chance to go to the other person for three days."

I giggled, thinking about having to drop what I was doing every time he called just to have sex- even if I had foils in my hair at the salon. "Deal," I said and we shook on it.

"What do we do if it gets weird?" His voice was lower and more serious.

"We just have to be honest with each other every step of the way. I'll be honest right now by saying: I left Holden a note and I have no idea if he's even seen it yet."

"My honest confession: I haven't had a date in a whole year. Work gets to be too much sometimes and the hours..." he trailed off, realizing he was already breaking one of the rules. After a few minutes, he whispered, "Do you still love him?"

I sighed, "I really don't know. He's been so..." cold? Horrible? Unloving?, "distant lately. I think I'm already pretty used to living without him. I just needed more. I've needed it for a long time."

He looked at me, eyebrow arched and I knew what he was thinking. He was wondering if Holden had withheld sex from me and for what reason. That thought wouldn't have been totally wrong. Holden and I hadn't had a healthy sex life in so long, sometimes I would forget what it felt like. And then he would touch me again and I would crave the electricity from the beginning of our relationship- when he knew how to show me he loved me. I longed for a look, a lingering touch, or even interest in whatever I was talking about.

William leaned in just then, almost as if he heard my thoughts, "Are you going to call him?"

I shook my head and looked down at my hands, not knowing quite what to say. I knew I should have called him. I knew somewhere deep down he loved me, but he had refused to listen to me and to do any sort of work on our relationship no matter how much I begged. I had known it was over for a while, but it was tough to let go of the future that I had planned for us. The proverbial picket fence, kids, and golden retriever in the suburbs still seemed not too far out of reach.

William put his hand on mine. Part of me wanted to recoil, but the other part needed his touch. It felt wrong to be with another man, but I knew that feeling would go away after a while. New relationships of any kind take a little bit to get used to and old ones take a little bit to get over. I loved Holden once and he loved me, but that was over now. While I didn't expect a relationship with William, I knew sex with him would keep me on track with my career while I took the time I needed to get over Holden. I may even be able to start rebuilding my self-confidence.

We finished up our pancakes and coffee and were waiting on the waitress to bring back my payment. "So, do you have somewhere to stay?"

"I'm going to call my friend, Rachel. I'm sure she wouldn't mind me staying over. I'll run back to the office for my suitcase." I explained, absentmindedly tracing the outline of a coffee ring on the table.

"You could..." he hesitated, "you could stay with me." His eyes slightly sparkled in anticipation.

I bit my lip, weighing my options. It would be awkward to fool around with William, but he was easy to talk to and easy on the eyes. My heart pounded in my chest as I wondered what the right decision was. But wasn't that a big part of my problem? I was always so concerned with the right thing to do, who the right person was,  and the good decisions. I had already thrown caution to the wind and left Holden after three years of work and dedication. I deserved to let loose and have some fun.

I finally nodded back in agreement, "I still need to run by the office to grab my stuff. Text me your address, okay?"

The waitress dropped my card off and William said his goodbyes. They were short and professional, keeping it low profile in case anyone would see us. I hoped he wouldn't act like that when we were alone. The last thing I needed was another cold and distant lover. And just like that, I was alone again... I let my mind wander as I walked. For the first time in my life, I had no idea what the right decision was here. I was letting my instincts, no matter how primal, lead me.

I stepped into the bull pen, my mind on William and how he was going to make me feel whole again when I looked up and saw Holden sitting behind my desk. All the air seemed to escape my lungs. He was sitting there, squinting at the promise ring he had given me and shifting it back and forth in his hands. I felt sick to my stomach. How was I going to summon the strength to talk to Holden? To tell him to his face that it's over. I stood there for a few minutes and contemplated running the other way. It was just like him to be so oblivious as to not notice a whole person walking in a room full of nothing but windows. I realized that I was going to have to face him sooner or later- if only to sign the papers to back out of the lease on the apartment. I swallowed and took a deep breath in an attempt to slow my quickening heartbeat.

"Its now or never," I muttered.

I straightened up and threw my shoulders back, feigning as much confidence as I could and strode into my office.

Holden, finally noticing my presence, held up the post-it, "What the hell is this?"

I swallowed again, my palms feeling clammy already, "That was me breaking up with you."

He stood up, placing the ring on the desk in front of him, "Aren't we going to talk about this?"

"I've tried talking to you, but you never want to listen," I wanted to scream. Every time I would try to bring up his lack of affection, he would either make an excuse about being busy at work, brush me off, or tell me that I should be satisfied. I would then tell him exactly what I needed and he would agree to work on things and the cycle just kept continuing.

"This is the first I've heard of any problems." His voice was louder and more stern, but still steady and calm.

"Are you fucking serious," I spat, "the first you've heard? I have been telling you over and over for the better part of a year." My mind was spinning. I knew he was oblivious but holy shit. Did he suffer some sort of traumatic brain injury that I didn't know about?

"Is there someone else?"

"We're not doing this again, are we? I have never cheated on you. I'm not that type of girl." My voice wasn't nearly as angry as I was feeling.

He stuffed his hands in his pockets and took a step towards me, "I actually have no idea what type of girl you are, Gabriella. You've changed so much." The hurt was evident in his eyes.

"That's right," I leaned toward him, "I'm not the same person I was who would let you gaslight me into staying in a one-sided relationship." My fingers gripped the handle on my suitcase, which I grabbed, whirled around, and stormed out without throwing another glance back.