Diary of a Broken Girl

Friday February, 27th

1:00Pm

   Today I woke up and ate half of a ham and cheese sandwich. I felt so bad about it I went to the bathroom and erased what I had done 5 minutes later. While  there I noticed I still had that cold sharp blade in my pocket from last night's body art so I decieded to add more but that little pencil sharpener blade isn't quite enough anymore. I think I'm going to find one of my grandfather's box cutter blades tonight. That'll do the trick. The blood will run and I will feel that familiar sting that I crave long enough so I can know I'm a real person for a few hours. 

   The demons in my head started talking to me again last night. I thought I was getting better but I guess I was wrong. That's what you can expect when your life is turned upsidedown. So yet again they whisper and torture me with everything I do. They remind me about my being a failure and how I have no one. They tell me to hurt myself and to not eat or when I do eat to erase it. They only stop when Im high but getting high makes me hungry and I can't eat. I MUST NOT EAT!
   I skipped school it's just too much right now, there is this girl that wants to date me and I like her but I don't want a relationship right now. I don't deserve one and if she know's what I do its likely she'll try to save me. I don't want to be saved. I want to be so small I dissapear. I can't pretend today, it's too much. Also it's pizza for lunch and I can never resist pizza. So I slept in and I can relax for a few hours before everyone comes home and I have to put on a show.

   Why is it so easy to hide my pain? Every day I am living into a lie that I'm happy and healthy. I smile and laugh. I am playing the actress whose life is leading to happily ever after. No one sees the truth behind my eyes. How can no one see the emptiness or the sadness. The lack of sleep is sometimes visible but what about the emptiness in my stomach,  why can't they see? It's all so easy to hide. Stupid people. One day I will dissapear and they will know I wasn't the happy lively girl they all thought they  knew. They will read this and know the truth.

7:40pm

   Today I have consumed a total of 348 calories even though I erased all the mistakes I had made with my magic finger. I also managed 25 sit ups and 50 crunches. I wanted to go for a run however it's too cold out. I was supposed to go to the mall with my fake friends from school and pretend to be a normal girl but they cancelled so I'm stuck resisting the urge to eat. I'm feeling tired but I can't sleep. I never can I always have too much on my mind. I want to be skinny. It's all I've ever wanted. Someday I will be and everything will be better. I'll be one step closer to being normal. One step closer to disappearing.

11:08

Can't sleep...