"Remember, avoid smiling when you're up there" my mom said, fixing my hair, which had been curled especially for the occasion.
No shit, I thought, who the hell smiles at a funeral?
As the procession began and the mass of people in black sat down, I closed my eyes and took a deep breath, feeling my pounding heartbeat slowly die down.
Do it for him, I thought, he would've wanted you up there.
"And now," said Father Michael, a towering middle aged man, "a few words from Ember Le." Soft clapping filled the chapel as I walked down the aisle.
To avoid making eye contact with anyone, I focused on the clicking of my black heels -right, left, right, left, right, left- until I reached the steps to the alter. I stood behind the podium and extracted from my pocket a neatly folded piece of paper. Unfolding it and smoothing it out, I didn't realize that my hands were beginning to shake. I looked up at everyone gathered there that day and tucked a strand of hair behind my ear.
In a twisted way, I found it almost humorous how many of the "loved ones" and "friends" that came barely knew him at all. Their mock expressions of sorrow made me sick and uneasy. I swallowed the bile in my throat and proceeded to speak.
"I'm not going to start by saying why we're here today, because that's a given, and simply restating this fact won't do any of us any good. If you asked me if I knew Kai, my answer would be simple: yes. Now if you asked me how much I knew him, I wouldn't be able to answer you. Time didn't really give me a chance to figure that one out. I haven't known Kai for that long, but in comparison to the short 18 years of his life, then I'd say that time was more than enough.
"Before we were together, I promised Kai I'd wait for him, wait for him to figure out where he wanted to go in life, wait for him to sort out his priorities, his goals, his ambitions, wait for him to decide what he thought was best.
"So I waited, patiently, yet it became evident neither of us could wait any longer, and perhaps this was for a reason. And with that, against our consciences, we ended the wait.
"I'll spare you the happy memories and the sob stories, but just know we were the best of friends, and we still are.
"A year and a half later, Kai took his own life. I refuse to believe that what the Bible says is true, that those who take their own life will be damned to Hell. I like to believe that, wherever he is now, he's now the one waiting for me to join him one day." A tear slid down my cheek and, with one quick motion, I wiped my face, folded the paper and quickly walked off stage.
A crowd of people greeted me with pats on the back, tight hugs, lots of hand holding and an occasional "thank you for the beautiful words". The confinement of these people suddenly made me claustrophobic. Subtly pushing my way through, I tried to get out of there as fast as I could. Right before I walked out the door, someone called out my name.
"Ember!" It was Kai's mom. Her eyes were red from crying and her entire being seemed to sag from exhaustion and yet she still managed to smile, as small as it was. My heart broke at the sight of her, knowing she was probably suffering just as much as I was, if not more. "Thank you," she said quietly, taking my hand in hers, "he would have loved it". With those words, I felt tears beginning to fill my eyes, so I quickly smiled and nodded and walked to my car. I didn't know where I was going or why, but I needed to escape the toxicity of the people, the memories, and most of all, the pain.
