Left Over

Fury and Food

I wake up in a fit of anger.

Firstly, I am furious with myself. I had nightmares about Tadashi throughout the night, and they weren't even about his death as one would expect- they were about seeing his corpse. Rhythmically I remind myself, "That's your brother now. That's Tadashi," but it does little to help. I am beyond furious that my kindhearted brother has become some sort of monster in my minds eye. It's disgusting and wrong and scary- I loved him, I still love him, and I am repulsed by this updated image of his face.

I am repulsed by myself.

Despite what I told Aunt Cass yesterday to make her feel better, I continually feel as if this accident could, indeed, have been prevented. I was right there when he ran in. I could have talked him out of it. True, he could have still insisted on going in, still yanked away, but I could have at least tried. In the moment, I had trusted him fully. Throughout the years I've trusted Tadashi with everything; he was almost always right.

My brain struggles to wrap itself around the fact that he wasn't right this time. He was brilliant. He knew what would happen if he went inside. He knew exactly what he was doing. But why?

The direction of my anger shifts to my deceased brother. How could he do this to us? Why would he ever make such a stupid decision? One of his stupid outfits is still hanging off the corner of our stupid divider so I tear it off and throw it on the ground. The hanger skitters off in one direction and his clothes slide towards my bed. I grab Megabot off of my shelf and throw it towards his side of the room. The heavy metal clatters loudly against the floor. The pieces separate and I don't bother putting them back together. "Hiro, you have such a bright future ahead of you!" I kick the pieces away from me. "You need to start using your brain! Yeah, well you did, too!" I need to break something. I'm being stupid, now- Megabot is designed so it can't break. I swipe one of his ugly Tengu mask off of its nail and hurl it at the ground. The red fragments tremble on the ground for a moment. Tadashi's stupid cast iron teakettle is sitting atop some books in the stupid midway point between our rooms. I snatch it by the handle and lob it at his bookshelf. The books tumble out and the wood splinters yet still I am not satisfied. I begin chasing after the kettle but stop abruptly at the divider. Without warning the weight of guilt begins to weigh heavier on my shoulders than any cast iron, or any physical weight, for that matter. I can't further destroy the sanctity of his room.

I step back and sit with my legs crossed, catching my breath and staring inside this precious time capsule. Aside from the decimated bookshelf, it looks the same as it looks every day when he leaves for nerd school and I remain at home. He could walk in any minute. I extend my hand to the side and slide his hat towards me by the visor. Gingerly I pad into his side of the room and rest it on the perfectly smooth top sheet of his bed. I return to my own side to pick his sweater up off of the floor. My fingers grace over the smooth cashmere. It's obvious that it hasn't been washed because it still smells like him- like green tea shampoo and the stupid Original Flavor Trident sugar free gum that never left his mouth and inner tube plastic and our house after we make rice. Like oil and metal and all of his friends because nothing could ever just be about him. Like donuts and the wind. Not at all like fire.

I hit a button to reassemble Megabot. I fold the clothes neatly and put them in my own drawer. Perhaps it is because I might wear them if I ever grow into them. Perhaps it is because I know I will never disturb my brother's room ever again.

The door flies open so fast that the knob cracks against the wall. "Hiro? Hiro, I heard a racket from up here, are you okay? I'm sorry I didn't come faster, we have guests downstairs, oh God, please be okay-"

"Aunt Cass, hey, hey, I'm right here. I'm okay. Now." She hugs me, momentarily severing my air supply.

"Oooh thank God. I thought... I didn't know what to think." Her eyes land on the wreckage of the bookshelf. "What... did you do?" She digs her manicured nails into my ear and drags me in front of her so she can see my eyes.