Have you ever looked at someone and
just been disgusted by everything about them. Their hair, personality, laugh, eyes, boobs, butt, feet, hands, collarbones, thigh, skin, arms, legs, back all repulses you. I do this day in and out. I am constantly fighting my mind to be one thing - skinny. All these songs getting released about being curvy is better than thin just makes me want to be thin even more. Even time I eat I lose myself a little more and the anger takes over. I've tried it all though. I tried to purge multiple times, believe me, but it never worked. Fasting always comes to an end and can't do it without attracting negative attention from family and friends. But despite this I still couldn't think of anything
worse than my thighs touching.
My parents always compliment me and think the world of me. My eating disorder hasn't ever been provoked by anyone but myself. I have never been bullied. I have many people who respect me, fuck all knows why, but being honestly I'm not massively thought of. I do have friends who are kind to me and I know my family love me but its a deeper issue than that. I just hate myself. I've had previous tendencies of self harm which left me with 40+ scars and I couldn't regret it more. It was a state of mind which I've hopefully left behind but I've been conscious of my body because other than being fat it's also disgusting in every way. Everything about my body and myself is unlovable. And it's hard for me to understand why I have friends and why any body would even talk me. Now this is an issue in itself. I am 100%, head over heels, in love with this boy. And I have been since I met him really. But here's the twist. He's not the type of boy a body shaming, ugly teenage would go for. He's the one who the confident, sexy, young ladies go for and he goes for them too. So it's not even like I can have the boy I love to think I'm beautiful and lovely because it's more likely for me to be single my whole life than him to actually love me. I came so close that day. But I fucked it up because I'm so insecure and uncertain, I can't help but see that you're way too good for me that even sometimes when you forget that and I still fuck it up. I will continue, starving myself, until I am perfect and good enough for you. As it hurts more and it hurts longer when you're just a fat mess waiting for someone to fall inlove with you. But I've realised. It won't ever happen, not so long as I look like this anyway. I mean a boy doesn't fuck how nice you are or how much you love him but purely because he likes your body. I've got class with him again and knowing that I have to walk into the classroom and embarrass myself for a whole hour first thing in the morning sucks. And he'll take one look at me and remember all the reasons why he doesn't like me and he'll laugh - like he always does and fuck knows what he's thinking when he laughs but I can't help but want to cry. Whenever I see him or think about him I can't stop, I keep all my feelings inside hoping I'll just forget about them but the exact opposite happens. Instead I spend ages dwelling on how much I love him and disgusting I am and then I blurt out everything I think to my friends who I look a complete fool to. I know they know that I have no chance with him, everyone knows it but they all think I have no clue, they think I'm just some stupid little ugly girl chasing after the best looking boy in our school, think about how even more shit that makes me feel. I always regret eating,too. I think of his body and I think about mine and how he'd never be able to look at it and cherish it and I'm way to insecure to let that happen. We're not meant to be, it's so obvious. He's a confident boy. He wants a confident beautiful girl and I'm insecure and my anxiety is so bad all the time, also as you may have gathered already I'm not insecure for no reason, I really am ugly and my figure is no where near what he's looking for and I don't just mean being fat, it's everything else too.
