Abyss of Tears

Prologue

"Zy, let's eat dinner. We miss you." Mikha said from the other line.

"I'll check my schedule. Bye, love you."

"I hope you can go, Zy. Ilang taon na rin. Please don't shut us longer." That is the last thing that she said before I dropped the call.

I took a deep breath. Why does it feel like I am doing the wrong thing whenever I am prioritizing myself?

"Chaigne, do I have something important to do today?" I asked my secretary.

She checked the planner that she is holding before answering me. "No, Ma'am. You have free time today. Have some rest po," she smiled at me. I've always liked this attitude of hers; she cares. Or maybe I just like it when people remind me of those things that a normal person should really do, like taking a rest.

"Why? Do I look haggard and tired na ba?" I joked. 

She answered immediately. "N-no, Ma'am. Ganda niyo nga po palagi. Napansin ko lang po kasi na halos hindi na kayo umuuwi sa sobrang trabaho. Pahinga naman po." 

I smiled at her and showed my appreciation with a thank you.

I got up from my swivel chair and took my bag before going out of my office.I also took a glance at myself in front of the elevator's door when I entered.

I messaged Mikha and Ian with the details of the restaurant. I missed them too, for sure. It's been a while since we last saw each other. I became distant from people; even my family and closest friends are not an exception. Siguro ay kaya ko naman nang makita sila ulit.

I became scared of socializing because of what happened. I never believed anyone because I always thought that each one of them was just pretending and keeping something from me. I don't want to be close with someone again. It's not that I hate people. I just learned that I also need to protect myself and not make myself available all the time. After all, I'm finally here. I can finally prove to myself that I am successful. Though, I've lost many people during those years. But it's okay that's life. People come and go to be a lesson for us and to meet the stronger version of ourselves. I may have lost them, but I redeemed myself.

I have a lot of time today so I decided to stop by a mall and go shopping. Susulitin ko na 'to dahil baka sa mga susunod na araw ay wala na akong oras. I have a lot on my plate. Everything in my life is scheduled. I really chose to be drowned in workloads and problems in my company. Well, at least in that way, I will not be thinking about my personal problems because I do not have time for them.

I am already graduated from all of the huge problems. I just wish na wala nang dumating ulit. Even if that is impossible to happen.

My eyes roamed around the mall, and I saw a store that sells different wedding dresses. My lips parted a bit. I think I will never get the chance to experience wearing one.

It was always my dream to get married. Particularly to get married to the person I truly love.

I never thought that the things that I used to love would turn into things that I am scared of.

Well, unfortunately, the person that I loved never planned to marry me. I am not even sure if “love” is the right word to use. Kasi hanggang ngayon mahal ko pa rin. 

Minamahal pa rin.

Years have passed, but that feeling has never lessened, even just for a bit. It is just funny to think about how we still love people despite them hurting us. We cannot even hold a grudge, even if we go through so much pain because of what they did.

Love really makes us the dumbest person alive.

I watched my feet while trying to calm myself. Why does it still hurt this much, even after years? It still affects me. I had many wounds through the process, but this one is the hardest to heal. Iba pa rin ang epekto sa puso ko.

The thought of him never failed to make my heart clench in pain.

Someone handed me a handkerchief.
"Miss, I don't want intervene to someone else's business but here, cry as long as you want." I heard someone said beside me while I am still looking down.

I touched my cheeks with my fingers. I didn't notice that I was already crying. I suddenly felt shy, but I forgot my own handkerchief. I got it out of his hand and used it to wipe my tears. I turned my gaze to him.

My lips parted in shock. "Psalm!?" He also looked at me with wide eyes. "Oh my gosh! I missed you." I hugged him tight. I finally got to see him after years. It was so funny that we got to see each other in this kind of situation.

"If only you know how much I missed you, Zyrelle," he told me before caressing the back of my head. "Anyways, why were you crying. Are you okay?" I looked at him. I pouted as I felt tears starting to form again in my eyes.

I do not like it when someone asks me if I am alright; it makes me want to cry even more.

I saw how his eyes softened when he saw me crying again. He held me face and wiped my tears. "After years, you're still a baby," he hugged me back.

I buried my face in the hollow of his neck to hide while I was crying. He put his hand at the back of my head while hearing my small sobs. Maya-maya ay naramdaman ko ang haplos niya doon. He became taller now, which made me reach only his chest. My eyes suddenly felt heavy while feeling his touch. He just did that in silence. He knows that I just need someone to be there. 

Totoo pala talaga, 'yung sinasabi nila 'no. You will never lose your familiarity with certain people, even if you do not see each other often. 'Cause with Psalm, I still feel the comfort and safety that I always felt when he was there during high school. I missed him so much. I remember those times when he did not leave my side and stayed there when I had no one. I feel lucky to have someone like him, but he also needed to leave before. Good thing that happened as well. If he did not leave, I feel like, until now, I am still dependent on him. This is the first time I saw him again after years. Simula noon kay Psalm lang ako nakakaiyak nang ganito. I feel free whenever he is there. Hindi ako natatakot na maging mahina.

He never made me feel that my vulnerability was something to be ashamed of or a sign of someone's weakness. 

Bahagya siyang lumayo sa akin noong medyo ayos na ako para tignan ang mukha ko. He softly held my face using both of his hands. He wiped my tears using his thumb while looking at my eyes. "Come on, we have a lot of catching up to do." I nodded.

Sandali niya pa akong tinitigan ulit. "I really missed you a lot, Zyrelle," he muttered. He hugged me tight before I felt him kiss the top of my head.

Siya kaya, kailan ko makikita ulit?

Kaya siguro hindi pa rin ako maka-alis dito because I still want to hold on. I don't want to let go. I am scared to face a reality that does not have him.

I am afraid to go on with a life where he is not included in my future.