stuck in the glitch

I.

He looks away from the dark, wooden casket getting buried. He puts his beanie further over his eyes, trying to hide his pain. He rubs in his eyes, letting the tears disappear. It had been a few dramatic years and a few days ago it finally ended, but not for the right reasons. It had been a few anxious year, not knowing if it would be okay. He just stares to the front of the graveyard. Sighing quietly, so nobody would hear him. He waits the hardest minutes of his life. He remembers all the things he had said and done before this this moment took place.

He can see the memory that brought them to this horrible place. He can see his father's eyes sparkle in the flickering light of the car. He can feel the pain he had to go through all again. The stinging in his heart and the pressure on his chest. The screaming to his father to open his eyes again and stay with him. He hears himself scream once again. And again. And again. Crying his heart out until he fell asleep himself. Until he couldn't do anything anymore. He felt the arms after a few years again clamping around his body. The arms that embrace him tight. Rushing him away from his father. He saw the stars in the dark sky, when he woke for a few seconds.

He saw his father being dragged out of the wreck that they collided with oncoming traffic in the quiet, but humble street. He saw his father bleeding for his chest. He cried out to his father. Yelled. Cursed. Feared.

He remembers his father in the hospital, looking at him with a smile, saying: 'Whatever happens, it'll be alright.'

He remembers telling himself -hoping to himself- that his father was right.

But what had been said to him, could not be further from the truth and he knew it. He believed it for years. Believing it was getting better, but it all fell down in the end. Something that seemed so unlikely, happened right in front of his eyes. Tearing everything he knew and believed apart. Leaving him and only him to face this terrible world. Facing the great unknown all alone. Facing it with fear and no help. Not knowing which way to choose. Not knowing with choices he had to made. Thrown into the dark, unknown called the future.

He takes a deep breath before leaving the cemetery, but taking all his thoughts with him. All the thoughts and memories he hoped he could forget, but couldn't. He cherishes the moments, but also hates them with all his heart. He always thought those memories made who he is today. A scared little boy, without a family, waiting for the end of the line. The end of his line.

He walks to the home that a few weeks ago was filled with laughter as Christmas was happening. The colourful Christmas lights that were once lighting his whole world up, were hanging down from the house, flickering as the rain broke them. He looks with his head down to the broken reindeer on the ground, as the plastic deer used to put a smile on his face.

The tree house he once build with his sister and father is hanging from the tree. Rotting in the wet snow. Breaking under the pressure of the white snow. The footprints from last summer are still there, but covered in snowflakes.

Everything looks different for him. He can care less about the white snow he always wanted to throw at his sister. Play with her to put a smile on her. Making snow angles when they were bored. He now sees it differently. He now just sees it as white rubbish laying in his path.

He enters the home with a sour face as he watches his mother play with his little sister. He tries to put a smile on for them, but his mother can see right through it. She walks up to him and hugs him tightly. 'I'm sorry' she whispers so my sister can't hear. 'Cut the bullshit. You don't. You left him' he says while trying to get out of her grasp. His mother is taken back and wants to say something, but she keeps quiet. Thinking he is just mourning.

He stares at his little sister while saying to his mom: 'You should tell Mia what happened.' His mother sighs. 'She wouldn't understand.' 'Yeah, but she'd know the truth.' His mother looks at him. 'Brandon, just let her be.' 'I will, after you at least tell her.' 'When she asks about her father I will tell, but I don't want it to break her.' He looks angry at her and says with a harsh tone: 'Like it did with me, you mean?' 'No, that's not what I meant.'