Butterfly Heart

The first time I saw him, I had walked past his room. He was reading. From what I could see, it was an old book, I think it was A Picture Of Dorian Grey. I could never read anything like that. My imagination is too creative. I like reading books that connect to me, and my life. Like my favourite for example, Before I Die. It doesn't soften the blow. So that the words aren't sanitised. Raw. Real. When the blow comes, I know it's going to come, It's always been coming.

I've been doing different clinical trials since they found it, when I was 6. I was diagnosed with cystic fibrosis. I looked up at my mum who was holding back tears. My dad was never there. He always "had work" until he admitted to an affair with his work colleague Sharon, and left to start a family with her when i was 14. Us kids with cystic fibrosis have "lung problems". It just means my lungs are crap at doing their job. We call each other CFers. And we can't be within 6 feet of each other. There are other rules like if you come into contact with another CFer, everything has to be fully cleaned. I just never need to. I've never kissed anyone, let alone had contact with anyone with CF. And I'm 17.

To be honest? I'm done. Just let me die. I'm ready. But I have too much to live for, too much to wait for. The reason I don't read books about many things other than death, is because there is one thing no one can change. We all die at some point. The thing is, my hourglass has less sand. It's something I've accepted. It's what you have to do to survive. To live a good enough life with the limited time that you have.

I remember his soft chestnut hair falling over his left eye. His red lips slightly parted. His big rise and fall of his chest, and I could feel the pain he felt. I imagined if he looked at me the way Adam does at Tessa, Edward does at Bella, Jack does at Rose. All in the space of about 3 seconds. I wish I could go in there and talk to him. But I can't, we'd both become more sick. As I walked away my cannula was itchy so I briefly took it out. Then the pain became too much to bear. I walked past my best friend Ricky's door. He has CF too. He's been my best friend for 9 years. And I've never hugged him.

"Hey Sniffles. " Ricky sniffs. "Hey buttons." I pull my mask down and scrunch my nose. "Hey do you know how that guy is in room 6?" i say looking back at the open door of his room. "Yeah I waved at him yesterday but I don't know his name." "Hmm." I say craning my neck to see inside. "Why? Are you interested?" He gives me a look. "Maybe." "WAIT SERIOUSLY? NO WAY!" I feel my face go a deep shade of red. "I'll call and tell you about it tomorrow but I need sleep you're depriving me of sleep." I pretend to snore. "Oh really? Ok next time you call i might just end the call." "you'd never!" I say dramatically. "No, of course not buttons. Now go get some sleep and we'll talk boys tomorrow. Love you!" "Love you too" we send air-kisses to each other. This is as much as we can do, when you're six feet apart.

As I walk into my room I can feel the chemical stench before I can smell it. My room is the same as any other. Pictures of loved ones on the wall, long letters, all the faces I miss when I'm stuck in this hell-hole day after day waking up to an empty space for the one I will spend the rest of my short-ass life with. That space is yet to be filled. I'm still waiting.

The next day I decided I was going to walk past his room again. I knew I needed to talk to him. Gotta take the opportunities as they come. "Ah!" I gasped. there was a backlit figure outside my door "hey if you're the grim reaper can you just wait one more day, there's this cute boy and i'd really like to talk to him. Please?" the figure stepped out from the shadow towards me but at least 10ft away. "And what might this 'cute' boy look like?" Then I realise it's the boy with the perfect chestnut hair, that falls just enough in front of his face, the boy who likes to read horror books, who has slightly parted red lips. The boy who I want to be my Adam, Edward and Jack, the boy who feels the pain I feel. And I fell in love.

"It's ok. You don't have to be embarrassed. I saw you looking yesterday." I can't believe I have just done that. I just told the cute boy that he is cute. "And she goes even more red." "Uh..sorry." my hand goes to my head. "I'm Max, by the way." "oh ok i'm Anna." I took a deep breath. "I didn't mean to call you cute or the grim reaper." "so you're denying it?" "denying what?" "that i'm cute." "I-I didn't say that." "Oh well I seem to think you did. You don't think i'm cute." "Maybe i do, maybe i don't, you'll never know." "then tell me." i want to tell him everything. "In due time." "ok well. I should probably go." he walks away "wait." he turns back around slowly "look. I like you ok? Like seriously. And all I have wanted since for as long as forever is someone to love me back. I just wanted to be looked at like i am beautiful, even if i'm not." he chuckles. "Anna you are so beautiful, even if you haven't had someone tell you that you are. I love your blonde hair, the way you smile with your eyes because no one can see that beautiful smile under that mask. The way you go red because you are too embarrassed for your own good. I wish I could come over there and kiss you, so I'll just have to do everything else couples do. I am so deeply in love with you." "Couple?" "Yeah i mean if you're up for it." "of course max. Of course. Until forever." "forever."

For the next few months we spend as much time as possible together. FaceTime, going to the sitting area in the hospital, standing at least 7 feet away from each other just to be safe. It was the best few months of my life. And then everything went wrong.

I don't know if it was our fault or just fate but he got really sick. It hurt so bad. To see him in that much pain. I could hear his screams from across the ward. We were like a modern day Romeo and Juliet, willing to die to be together. I had the same nightmares every night, me at his funeral. I would wake up crying, and sobbing. Until one day they stopped and I thought the pain was over. I went to visit him outside his door. He wasn't moving. everything became slow motion. I screamed, and I couldn't hear myself. There was just this awful white noise ringing in my ears. I fell to the floor and I couldn't stop crying. This pain was nothing to what I'd experienced before. Then the nurses came rushing to me and I couldn't make a sound come out of my mouth. I raised a shaking hand and pointed towards my love's dead body, my breaths were shaking and my heart was aching. He looked so peaceful and calm and beautiful. I couldn't hold it in anymore. I screamed so loud that my throat and lungs were on fire. My heart ached the most. My butterfly body with all it's butterfly parts, my butterfly lungs and my butterfly brain all ache. But my butterfly heart will always ache the most.