24 May 2021
I decided to pick up a new hobby! This year i have tons of free time cause I graduated Form 6 in March. I saw a crochet tiktok video that made me interested in it. Now i have made a bucket hat for my sister, a pouch for my mum and a top for myself. Kinda feeling accomplished here.
Today I got into a sad mood again. My skin is really dry and inflamed. I don't want to look into mirrors anymore. My eczema is usually all over my body but it doesn't affect my face, now it has spread to my face and i'm really sad about that. I stopped having tearful episodes since 15 years old but i started having them again.
It is not healing like before. Now it heals but it leaves dry marks and lines everywhere. Here is an indication for when my skin condition worsens, i start wearing over sized hoodies
I call it seasons. Every year i have seasons where my skin worsen and where it is normal. I think my skin is facing climate change too. The seasons this year is not like the previous years.
i am now in the mood to be alone 24/7. I just want to be alone with my novels where i can escape into my imagination and stop worrying about my future.
When I was 18 years old, I started thinking about my future. Sometimes in my thoughts I would have a good future where I end up with a stable job that i like and a family of my own and sometimes I end up alone, rearing a really cute dog and being a really good aunt to my siblings children but most of the time I end up alone and lonely in a place where no one knows me. I end up disappearing from the face of the earth.
I think that my condition is really psychologically damaging to me and I should stop thinking negatively. There are many other serious problems out there and here I am being all sad about something so minuscule. There are children are starving and people dying somewhere but im all up sad and suicidal about this.
The other day i went to this doctor my aunt recommended to me, this doctor says as time passes by my bones would become brittle and my whole body would start to hurt if i don't get better. This scared the hell out of me. I hope I wouldn't die in pain but i guess that is too far fetched. I start to think about what a burden i would be to my closed ones and what problems i would bring to them. This made me realize i better be alone.
I start to not sleep at night because night is when the itching worsen. If i sleep my hand would scratch on its own and I didn't want that to happen.
All these years my mom wasted so much money, effort and time on me, I feel guilty.
Crying really helps to release stress huh, I should do that more.
Writing really helps to make me feel better, I should do that more.
I hope the next entry would be when I am better.
