The One

Decision making

Tom

Tom's appetite had all but disappeared. Each time he tried to fill his empty, rumbling stomach, he felt like bringing it back up. So instead he stuck to his diet of cigarettes, chewing gum and bottles of flavored water. His initial reaction to discovering he was going to become a father was to shy away. He also checked himself into the central London hotel room he'd stayed in when he and Sally first separated. Unlike Tord's apartment that was littered with his possessions, this anonymous room would help him think without his judgement being clouded. Hour upon hour of solitude followed, as he stood at the ninth-story window, taking in the city's diverse skyline. He discovered that by removing the four screws from the window frame, he could disable the safety catches that prevented the window from being opened fully. The first two screws he held in the palm of his hand and an idea came to him. He quickly dismissed it, yet still he continued to turn the remaining two with a teaspoon. It was a solution that could put a stop to him being everyone's problem, he reasoned.

Tom chose not to respond to any of Tord's text messages that evening. He didn't know how to tell him that instead of traveling to Birmingham to renew his passport he actually spent the evening with his ex-girlfriend trying to come to terms with the fact that he could have a child by the end of the year. As the tone of Tord's unanswered texts became more and more concerned and the calls and voice mails more frequent, Tom decided to switch his phone off.

A gentle breeze drifted through the window and reached Tom's face, but he didn't register it. Instead, he recalled how he always wanted children, but it was Sally who hadn't been so sure. They reached a compromise that they will wait until a couple of years after they married and would let nature take it's course. But their city break to Bruges saw an end to that and now they were dealing with the consequences.

"You can make this happen or you can make this stop," Sally had been at pains to point out and he believed her. "I'm just presenting you with the facts. You can either be a father or not. I just know I can't do this by myself. I'm not threatening you or giving you an ultimatum."

It didn't feel that way to Tom.
He was pragmatic in his approach and had worked through each viable way he could play a part in his child's life and still remain with Tord. He figured he could still emigrate to Norway and with flight prices falling year on year he might be able to afford a return trip to the UK at least once a year even twice if he was careful with his money. The rest of the time he could watch his child grow up via FaceTime and Skype. It wouldn't be ideal but it was what thousands of armed service parents did countries apart from their children. And there's no reason why Sally might not also bring their child over to visit. This was all on the assumption that she would view this idea as 'not being alone.' She was so scared of raising the baby by herself and he wanted to be there as much as he could. He couldn't face thinking of the other option Sally had presented him with.

It was too big of an ask for Tord to remain in London. He needed to be with his sick father. He was deteriorating by the day and Tom knew Tord was eager to make the move to be with him as he saw out his final weeks. If the shoe had been on the other foot, Tom would've put his family's needs before his own, too. There were other ways around the problem but all of them ended with the same result; Tom would be a bit player in his child's life and that would never be enough for him. If he was to be a father he wanted an active role in raising their child. But a worrying thought began to creep into his mind and it frightened him. What if he resented the child for coming between him and his Match? What if every time he looked into it's eyes, they would reflect the emptiness of his own? Tom shuddered.

The thought of being unable to see his soulmate for an indefinite period of time made Tom's body ache. Not being able to laugh with him, be responsible for his gawky grin when he walked into a room or hear the rise and fall of his chest as he slept, made Tom feel physically sick. And if he felt like this while they were still in the same city, what would it be like once they were a world apart? Tom knew deep in the marrow of his bones that it would be too much to bear. Trying to come up with one answer to suit everyone was like trying to push the tide back into the ocean with a broom.

He swallowed hard and then glared at the remaining two screws in the window's safety catches and closed his eyes. He had made his decision. And there was no going back.