Breaking the Norm

Chapter 4

Unfortunately, Ross and I soon have to slow things down. I guess life catches up with us and suddenly we have friends inviting us places, family calling us and late nights at work to catch up on some stuff we may have slacked off on.

So, we go three days without seeing each other and I'm terrified to admit how much Ross is keeping me afloat. In just three days my mood falls completely flat again. I feel lost and bored and right back where I was. I've only been with him for a week and already he's improves my life so much I can't bare three days back in my old routine. Even visiting my friends doesn't lift my spirits as much as it used to. It scares me because it's very likely this will all have to stop, I'll have to give Ross up or be found out.

(...)

I have dinner with Monica and Chandler this week and can't help, but look at them differently now. I'm so immensely curious. Are they truly happy? Have they truly accepted our lives, the rules we have to live by? They were always a great couple in my mind but what if I'm wrong? What if they just put on a believable front? I can't help, but wonder how perfect they really are for each other.

Before dinner, Monica and I are in the kitchen chatting like we always do.

"So, how's work?" Monica asks as she lays out a cheese platter. I take piece before I answer.

"Alright, a bit hectic lately," I reply.

"Oh yeah, why's that?"

"I've just been a bit behind. I've been tired lately."

It's not a complete lie I am tired after seeing Ross, I mean a wonderfully satisfied tired, but still tired.

"Oh have you been feeling okay?" she enquires.

"Yeah, just fine," I comment blandly.

"You know Rachel, sometimes I get a little worried about you," Monica says.

"Why?" I ask.

"You just haven't been yourself lately. You're not as cheerful as you used to be," she shares.

I'm surprised she admitted it to me. Usually, you don't mention if you think someone might be unhappy or depressed because there's not much they can change about their life anyway. But Monica has always been a real friend to me. I grew up with her, I shared everything with her... until now. There was no way I could tell her what I've been doing with my life and what I've been doing with her brother, Ross.

Still, I feel guilty not being able to talk to her, but everything is so different now anyway. I've talked to Ross about so many things I've never spoken about with anyone, so many things we are not allowed to talk about. Honestly, it makes my friendship with Monica seem only half full, like we're missing an entire part of our relationship, the part of our life we can't share with each other.

"Hey Mon," I decide to try and see what I can get her to share, what do I have to lose?

"Yeah?"

"Do you love Chandler?"

She stops and looks at me funny.

"Of course, he's my husband," she replies exactly how every single  person in this town would.

I try to think of a way to ask her something without it crossing too obviously into taboo territory.

"Yes, of course, but what do you love the most about him?" I question her.

She smiles.

"Where is this coming from?" she deflects from the question.

"Nowhere," I sigh.

I've already given up when I suddenly see Monica's eyes glaze over and she smiles.

"I love how much he makes me laugh, how happy he makes me... I love that he's my best friend and the love of my life," she tells me.

I realize in this moment, Monica can't see any of my problems with our world because she's not just conditioned to our world, she's truly in love. They got it right and so she's actually happy and therefore fine with the rules because she wouldn't have it any other way.

 I suddenly envy her happiness longing for the same thing do badly. I want that glaze... that trance of happiness where I can't even fathom how much I love my husband.

(...)

The rest of the week goes by. The longest week of my life.

Finally, Ross calls me and asks if we can meet up Saturday morning. I've never said yes to anything so quickly in my life.

Saturday morning we get to the hotel. The second we get through the door we are all over  each other. We are so desperate for each other after being apart for a week.

When we've exhausted the insane need inside of both of us, we are finally resting next to each other in bed.

I don't want to admit to Ross how low I felt without him, how attached I already am to him. I also don't want to discuss about Monica with him. I guess he would have realized how far apart we are as compared to Monica in terms of compatibility to our respective spouses. I know it got me down.

"You're quiet," Ross notices.

I shrug.

"I'm just happy I got to see you finally," I tell him, avoiding my real reasonings.

"Me too, but it probably was for the best. Carol was started to get concerned about me," he shares.

"Why?"

"Well, since we are seeing each other so often, I didn't need or want to, you know, do anything with her. Earlier she was the one who usually wasn't interested and I would try to seduce her every now and then. But now, seeing my unusual behavior, she was afraid that there was something wrong with me," he says.

"Really, huh I guess I would be surprised if Barry didn't bother me for a week," I say.

He looks over at me with a little bit of a frown.

"So, I guess we both still..." he starts, hinting at the intimacy still in our lifeless marriages.

"I don't like to, especially now that you and I have been together, but I do it for the same reasons. I don't want him getting concerned or report me as crazy for not loving my own husband," I admit, a bit ashamed to him.

"Yeah, it was so much worse now that I actually know what good sex is... what sex with you is like," he says.

"You're telling me," I chuckle sincerely and he laughs at that.

"Speaking of sex, I have to hang with Carol all day tomorrow," Ross informs me.

"What's tomorrow?" I inquire.

"My birthday."

I freeze in this moment, realizing I never knew his birthday. The man I've been shattering every rule in existence with was born tomorrow and I had no idea. Then, I suddenly get sad realizing how I won't be able to spend a single second with him on his special day.

"You okay?" he sees the roller coaster of emotions behind my eyes.

"Hmm? Yeah of course, I just didn't realize. Of course you have to spend tomorrow with Carol."

He just nods, looking a bit dissatisfied with his decision as well.

I lean over him suddenly and press my lips to his cheek.

I pull back.

He smiles at me.

"What?"

"Happy early birthday," I whisper.

He leans over me and kisses me - a soft, warm kiss that makes me fall into a hopeless trance.