Cat is My Valentine

Agony

We were rolling around in the sheets.

Kissing and pushing our bodies as close together as we possibly could.

I enjoyed every light touch, every gentle grab. I hit her ass lightly and she pulled back to break our kiss. She looked into my eyes. She was so beautiful; she was so mesmerizing. For a moment I thought she would stop loving me. Then for a moment I thought I wouldn't let her if she tried. She pulled my hand back down to her ass and continued kissing me - roughly - letting me know I could do as I please.

I sat up in panic mode, pulling my sheets up to my face. I noticed it was just a dream and cried a couple tears. I slowly moved my legs around in the sheets of my bed and imagined as if the dream were really happening. I kicked the sheets off of me and grunted. Such agony. I laid back down, but couldn't fall back to sleep. There's no sense of laying down and waiting for something that isn't going to happen. I got up and washed my face.

Two hours rolled by and I was all dressed for the day. I walked out to my car and drove to school. I don't think I can even look at Cat without remembering my dream. I grabbed my books from my scissor-covered locker as quickly as I could and went straight to my first class. I didn't pay attention at all to what the teacher said. Nor did I in my second class. I was too deep into my thoughts.

It was time for Sikowtiz. I cringed and walked into the room. I sat down and Cat turned around. "Hey, Jade. How's it going?!" I stared into her big brown eyes and let my eyes travel down her bright red hair. "Umm. Jade?" She snapped her fingers. I rolled my eyes. "Turn around." She looked confused. "Turn around, I said!" I didn't want to yell. I saw her face turn from happy to sad instantly. Just like when she found out about me self harming.

I noticed everyone else in the class had heard me yell at Cat. I ignored them. Cat doesn't need to be my friend right now. No matter how close I want to be to her, she has to stay far away. She's not going to leave me alone willingly. I have to make her realize how dangerous I am.

It was hard to sit at the same table as her at lunch. Now that her and Anthony were getting pass the honeymoon stage, everything went back to normal. "So, Cat, how's everything with you and your boyfriend?" Tori asked her. I squeezed my water bottle tightly. Cat replied "Well, it's going great. He took me to Nozu's last night and paid for everything. He's such a gentleman." Robbie rolled his eyes. Tori let out a long awe.

I stood up and poured the rest of my water on Cat. I threw the bottle down on the ground and walked away. I wasn't going to stay there and take it. I went to the bathroom and sat on the floor in the big stall. I pulled out a razor blade I found this morning in the kitchen window sill. I looked at it for a while. I pulled up my sleeve and considered slicing my wrist. Then I heard the bathroom door open and a sweet, innocent voice call out "Jade?" I put the razor in my pocket and stepped out of the stall. "Jade! Why did you do this to me?"

I looked down and crossed my arms. She whimpered and said softly "I didn't do anything wrong. You've been mean to me all morning." I looked at her; painfully, I looked at her. She was the most beautiful thing I had ever laid my eyes on. Oh, what I would give to taste her soft lips. To run my fingers through her hair and show her how much I love her.

I shook my head in disgust at my thoughts. Cat likes boys. And even though I'm not a girly girl, she would never fall for someone like me. Someone so messed up and ruined. "Well?" Cat was still waiting for my response. I could only force out three little words, "I don't know." She spoke back quickly as if she had prepared what she was going to say "I don't know?! It wouldn't make sense for you do that. I was talking about Anthony one minute and the next, I'm covered in water. It just - wait, a minute." I froze as she looked at me as if I were a puzzle. I really felt vulnerable, so I turned my face away.

"You're jealous that I have a boyfriend, aren't you?" I glared at her. I was upset she knew my thoughts. Then she added to her question "That I have a boyfriend and you don't?" I sighed in relief, but also in anger. I wanted to tell her the truth, but we weren't on the same radar. "Yes, Cat. It makes me upset to see you dating someone." She asked me "You don't want me to be happy, is that it?" I shook my head "No! Cat. I want you to be so, so happy."

"Then what's wrong, Jade?" I rubbed my temples. I wanted to yell her away as much as I wanted to reveal my secret. Cat's phone began to ring. She looked at me as if she was saying sorry with her eyes before she answered the phone.

Cat: "Hey.. I'm good.. I know.. But, Anthony? No, wait.. Seriously?!"

Cat looked at me one last time before storming out of the bathroom. I think I just witnessed the jerk breaking her heart. Oh no, she's been hurt. Somehow I feel as if I'm the one who did the damage. I turned back towards the bathroom stall and reached in my pocket for the blade.

I stopped myself. I turned around and looked at myself in the mirror. "I have to fix this." I said to myself. I threw the blade in the trash and left the girls' room.

I went to my next class. I didn't see Cat the rest of the day. I overheard Tori telling Andre that she went home early. There was a part of me that felt excited. There was also a part of me that felt terribly guilty. Cat doesn't deserve to be in pain. I need to find out if what happened was really a break up before I go and expose my charred soul.

I called Cat before I drove out of the school parking lot. I asked if I could come over. Since she said yes, I took a right turn towards her house instead of a left turn that leads to mine. I saw the pink Lexus LS 460 in the driveway.

After parking behind her car, I let myself in and walked up the stairwell. The fourth room was Cat's. I knocked softly. She opened the door and gave me the most pathetic smile I had ever seen from anyone. I stepped in her room and closed the door while she walked to sit on her bed. "That wasn't even a smile. What's going on?" The silence between us grew louder. "Cat, you can tell me." She looked up at me as if what I said was insulting.

"Well, you never tell me anything." I joined her on the bed, keeping my distance. "What do you want to know?" I asked. She hid her face in her hands and began to cry. I looked towards her window and let her gather herself on her own. After a few sniffles, she answered me. "Do you not like me? Do I upset you somehow?" I grimaced my face.

"Cat. No. I-" I shook my head and looked down, trying to keep my thoughts to myself. "Y-you what? I mean, I'm never mean to you or anybody else. Do you just simply tolerate me?" I looked in her direction without making eye contact. "You're one of my best friends." I told her. She sighed. "I'm sorry for accusing you. It's just been a really hard day." She wasn't looking directly at me, so I stole a glance into her big brown eyes. I shook my head.

"What happened today? On the phone.. With Anthony." She looked at me and opened her mouth slightly. I looked away and crossed my arms. "He broke up with me." She admitted. I realized that I needed to set my feelings aside and focus on her issues right now.

"Look, Cat. I know how it is to feel unwanted and undesirable. But, you'll be okay. I promise you that."

Within a short amount of seconds, her soft, light arms were wrapped around me. She was hugging me in thanks for my reassuring words. I shoved her off of me. "Get off of me! You know I despise hugs. You should know that more than anybody!" I looked at her sweet smile fade. I took a deep breath and rubbed my temples.

"I have to go." I said. And so I did.