The twilight saga: Bella's Swan Diary

chapter 1: phoenix

my mom is actually crazy. but i love her. I feel guilty most of the time. She loves me I know that. But she loves phil too. And going back and staying home with me is making her upset. Not that she doesn't care for me. But she cares for Phil too. The thing is that staying from Phil is what makes her unhappy and I cant bare it. Today at school a classmate of mine asked something about going to dance. I don't understand why these kids need this kinda attention. Who even wants that, I run from that as soon as I can. Also some guy came to to me and asked about prom, but I got lost in my own thoughts and didn't hear the rest. Maybe he was asking about the time the event will take place? I don't know, I don't care, my thoughts went back so I did and I just said I have to go back. He seemed confused. I was bit sad I disappointed someone, but I didn't know him so it didn't matter that much. When I went home it was empty, my mom has already left. How fun! I'm alone again, I don't mind being alone. I have tons of things to do. Read Romeo and Juliet, watch Romeo and Juliet and repeat. I have to clean house, at least try to. I have to try to do everything I can do when my mom gets back she will satisfied. I don't want her to be upset any more than she already is. She has to leave Phil so she can be with me. I feel so guilty.
Today school was okay. I went early to change my mark for mathematics. I did, it was hard but it was worth it. I don't have friends. Not that I don't know anyone, I just don't have anyone I can actually call I friend, maybe I'm too old fashioned, I think friends are just more than gossip. I don't relate to anyone. I would have nothing to do with them, I hate shopping, everything centered around me is foolish. Why would anyone do that. I made a list of thing I should do to make my mom happier. I know she dislikes going back to me, not that she dislikes me, she hates being fat from Phil. He's amazing and good for my mother. I'm all about them, I've never seen my mom in such a happiness. She came back home while I was deciding what I should do tomorrow to avoid the class presentation, I hate attention. Everyone here discusses what they should wear, I just hope I could do this after school with only teacher without more eyes. My mum came in and was upset, I knew her well enough even if she was hiding her pain after that precious smile of hers. We sat at our couch taking about Phil's upcoming great career. They were planning to travel across the country a lot and her upset was explained short after. She told me they had a fight, he said that she should go back to me and he seemed upset, but she argued and explained she could continue doing "half" going back to me and back to him, he intended that it'll make her exhausted but she stated that's okay. And now I was angry. How could she put anyone happiness below me. This simple ordinary completely uninteresting person. While I was taking about school, she took out. I didn't want to wake her so I kept in my place. It was so uncomfortable, my hand was bruised and mom was resting her head right at it, because i missed a step at school today and went downstairs all the steps making my hands bruised like I was in a fight. I usually did something similar once a week. I'm so clumsy it's not even funny. I trip once a week, bruise myself every two days. I just attack wrong things, but somehow it's not even weird, it's just other people say it is. It's me, nothing unusual. Now Iam listening to Radiohead. And I cant figure out what should I do. What are my options to make my mother happier? I was write all my ideas on paper and I realized that I should talk to her, that she should just move around with Phil until they settle in and then I'll move in with them. I can do things well on my own. It's gonna be okay. She's gonna be happy. That's what matters. I tried to sleep and as I was just about to close my eyes, thunder hit across the street which immediately took me back to somewhere greeny with pouring rain surrounded by dark haired man and this tan little boy playing with sand. It took me few seconds to realize that I was back in forks, Washington. With my dad, Charlie. I knew what I had to do. This is the best idea. But i knew that moving to forks will eventually make me depressed. I hate rain, wet, cold weather. It's almost the middle of semester and I would be there new. Everyone will be staring like I was some kind of freak. That thought was the worst thing, but my own feelings were nothing compared to my mothers. She's everything to me and her happiness is. I knew that I would definitely talk with her like it's her idea, i usually did that so she would feel like the best mom and she was, more like a best friend, I could fit into moms category more. But I love her and it's all for her. I couldn't come close to her. After a week and half I got the courage and the script to make it sound like it's her idea. I was anxious but I knew this was the best idea. While I was thinking my mother rushed with bleeding hand. All that I got from her that dog attacked her. She sat here while I helped. And after we ate we got back to bed. Nightmare, while I was eating pasta with my mom our house suddenly was scattered because of thunder, it was pouring rain and lighting was striking around. I woke up sweaty and tired. It was such a weird dream. I usually dream such basic, every daily things this was so out of place for me. I thought nothing of it. In school there was a drill, that a guy with knife was walking around. We stopped learning and had to go home early, my mom was freaking out. And as I was heading upstairs I slipped and hit my head to my door, I also managed to hit a pin with my bare hand and now it was bleeding. I knew that I was clumsy, but so many things happening in span of 24 hours? that's really weird. Maybe it's a sign that my plan about moving to forks is foolish. But I knew that everything did not matter. My mother's happiness is everything to me even if I dream about some stupid nightmares with rain. It's sort of funny. Tomorrow is the day. I know