Underwater

It was a weird feeling, being surrounded by water. Above and below you, to your right and to your left, no single space without it. But I was relaxed. After a lot of thinking, I had made my choice. I was convinced that it was the best solution. Things weren't going well in my life, and I couldn't see ahead of me, all I could think of was dark and negative.

I know my life wasn't horrible, because I had a family, we weren't poor, and I was healthy, but the thing is I wasn't content with what I had, I wanted more. I wanted my parents to pay attention to me, not exclusively to my sister. I always thought they loved her more than me. And honestly, how could they not? She was everything all parents dream about seeing in their kids: smart, polite, and beautiful.

I constantly compared myself to her and wanted to do all she did in order to get the love she received. That's when negativity started to really consume me. It was like I wanted to stop being me to be her, and that's impossible. I couldn't stop imitating her, I was hurt. Hurt that they would often leave without me and went to parties in which all parents have genius kids, they always told me that it wasn't appropriate for me and that I would get bored. Those words were an insult to me every time I heard them because they didn't even know me, so how would they know what amuses me or not?

Water flooded my ears, and I couldn't hear anything but my heart. Slow heartbeats. I felt so calm despite that my lungs started needing air. I wasn't scared, I was trained to hold my breath for three minutes. I calculated that one minute had passed. The lake was very far away from home, I had taken the last bus of the evening to get there. I felt I belonged there, a place where no one would find me. I looked around me, the bluish water waved slowly near me and above, no sight of fishes or any other type of aquatic animals, only some algae floating around.

I was tired of being her shadow. It was like I wasn't part of the family, like I was adopted or something. But sometimes I tried too hard to please my parents that it got out of my hands, and I would end up doing the opposite; so, I was kind of a failure. You would think about my friends, right? You'd tell me that I wouldn't need my parents if I have friends, right? Well, I am not going to lie to you, I had friends, they came to my house for weekend sleepovers, and we went out often, and I thought they were good friends, but unfortunately, I discovered I was wrong, they were just hypocrites who wanted to be around me because my family has money and they had much more fun in my house than in any other place. I stopped being their friend and since then I never befriended anyone else. At first, I didn't feel the need of having friends, but when a couple of years passed, I really began to feel too lonely. I had nobody to talk to at high school and no one at home either.

I almost didn't talk so, when I sometimes talked because I had to, to ask a question in class or to make my order at the cafeteria, it felt so weird to hear my voice, it was like someone else was talking, not me.

I moved my arms and legs to go deeper. I had to make sure I was deep enough; in case I changed my mind and would want to get out. I was sure I wasn't going to change my mind because I had discussed this with myself for a long time. There was no turning back. No. I closed my eyes.

I was more than ready to let go of myself, to let everything else go, once and for all. Because that meant I'd finally stop worrying to please my parents, it meant that I didn't have to pretend I am another person anymore, everything would come to an end. And that thought gave me such calmness. I estimated that almost two minutes had passed. I was so fed up with everything that I wanted it to end quicker. I tilted my head back and felt the water moving my long black hair. I felt cold, very cold. I relaxed my limbs and started to count the seconds of the last minute I had left.

55, 54, 53, 52, 51. I wanted to breathe so bad, but I tried to evade that need by convincing myself that there were only twenty seconds left, although I knew more than 40 were left.

And then, suddenly a thought stroke in my mind, a thought that changed everything. I opened my eyes and propelled myself up. I instantly regretted going so deep because there was not much time left, but I had to do my best to get out. The water was so cold that I almost couldn't feel my arms, yet I kept swimming up, ignoring the fact that there were only 25 seconds left.

And even in the darkness of the waters and with all the sudden fear, and the numbness I felt in my brain, I could still think straight. I wasn't going to let myself drown just because people didn't value me. Not because no one cared about me, or because I wasn't worthy to others. I remembered that I always had believed in myself, I always thought that I would become something great, but people's opinions and criticism influenced me so much that I ended forgetting that, up until that moment in the lake.

I was going to save myself from drowning because I thought that I am a worthy person, failing doesn't make me unworthy, it's just a process to getting to be a better person. I continued swimming, my heart was racing, and my lungs burned. There were still some meters left to reach the surface. I didn't know if I would get out on time or not, but I had to try.

I couldn't hold my breath anymore; I opened my mouth and accidentally drank some water. Now it was harder, I felt I was going to faint any second. I felt like my brain was being filled, as if the water I drank went there. I started seeing sparks in front of my eyes. I couldn't keep on swimming, but I was so close.

14,13, 12, 11, 10.

I started panicking. What if I couldn't make it? No one would ever find me here.

I did one last effort, forced my body up, and swam to the surface. And then I finally breathed. A hard and long breath. I felt so relieved.

"I wouldn't... let you... go" I told myself panting. "Not after... you made me... remember that".

I swam to the edge as quickly as I could because I knew I was going to faint soon; I was very cold. If it wasn't for the moonlight, everything would have been so dark. I spotted my backpack and got there. I coughed some water and I laid down. There was no sound, not even the owl's hooting. I felt so weak but at the same time I was happy I got out. I couldn't think any more about anything. My whole body started shivering. Then, my system shut down and I fell into unconsciousness.

                                                                           ***

The first thing I noticed when I opened my eyes was the bright light on my face. The sun. I covered my face with my hand, and moisturized my lips with the scarce saliva. I tried sitting up, but I couldn't until the third time. I opened my backpack and desperately looked for a bottle of water. There was just a little bit of water, and it had a weird taste, but I was glad I found it.

I smiled as I stood up and I put on my backpack. I had succeeded, even though I wasn't planning to. When I arrived home, I found my parents calmly watching television. They were sitting on the couch as if I was invisible to them. They didn't even notice that I was gone all afternoon and that I didn't spend the night at home. I wasn't surprised, though. I sighed and went up to my room. And to think that I wanted to end my life just for how people treated me, just because I couldn't be what is expected in society. How stupid of me.

I am a new person now. I am the real me, the me that I didn't want people to see. And I am very proud of myself, I am happy that I made that crazy choice because it made me realize that it wasn't worthy, that it isn't worthy to think about how other people see me or what other people expect from me. The only thing that really matters is how I see myself.

I had saved myself from me, from the darkness. I did it for me, I decided not to care about other people's opinion, I am the one who's living my life, not them, so why should I care? Why would I even need other people's approval if I only need my approval?

And I didn't do it so that my parents wouldn't feel sorry.

No.

I did it for myself.