Scattered letter

Letter 1

Letter of the imperfect ending

I am sorry if this took so long. I am aware you wouldn't look at my clothes anymore because of what I did. I just left you alone. Hanging in the hope that we can make our own family. Pero kasi di ko na kaya. I have enough of it. I can no longer live with it. I am struggling and I don't want you to struggle with me. I want you to be happy. Find a woman to love and create a family with her.

I am diagnosed with cancer. Brain cancer. I don't know if you notice but I make a distance. I started cancelling our date because of the sudden symptoms showing and I don't want you to worry about me. I want you to be happy.

Even without me.

Because everytime the thought of not spending the rest of your life with me is breaking me apart. I keep on praying that you'll willing to spend the rest of my life with you because I can't do it with you.

That is my only wish, but I can see that it will no longer be fulfilled.

I know I am coward for leaving you like that. I just can't take it. It is not all about my sickness if you still don't understand why I don't wanted you to stay with me. I know. I know that it's been a year since you started seeing the girl. At first, I don't feel jealous because you always assure me that she is nothing and you only love me. But when you started doing what I am doing, not only maintaining a distance but you create a gap between us. A gap that will no longer be filled. I feel neglected but I don't confront you because I know this is what I make you feel unintentionally.

Ginawa ko ang lahat para bumalik tayo sa dati. Sinubukan ko naman pero bakit parang hindi na talaga maaayos? Ilang linggo na tayong puro away. Nakakapagod na. Nakakapanghina na. Dapat bang dalawang laban ang mapanalo ko para lang manatili ka sa tabi ko? Kasi nakakapagod din. Ubos na ubos na yung lakas ko sa paglaban palang sa sakit tapos pati pahinga ko magiging laban din?

Okay lang kung hindi mo ako maintindihan at maiintindihan kahit na sa paglipas ng panahon. Ginawa ko lang naman ang mas tama para sating dalawa. Sabi mo dati hindi tayo aabot sa ganito. Naghihintayan nalang kung sino ang bumitaw. Kasi nakakapanghinayang hindi ba? Sobrang saya na nating dalawa. Bakit kasi ako nagkasakit? E di sana may pamilya na tayong dalawa. Pero bakit kasi naghanap ka ng iba. Hindi pa ba ako sapat?

Baka oo. Hinding hindi ako magiging sapat kasi ako nga ang dahilan kung bakit tayo nagkaganito. Ginusto ko namang sabihin sayo pero nakita ko kayong magkahawak kamay habang tinitipa ko palang ang mga letra para sa mensaheng sayo'y ipapadala. Para akong binuhusan ng malamig na tubig. Nanigas lang ako sa kinatatayuan ko. Kasi di ko inakalang magagawa mo iyon. Mahal na mahal mo ako sabi mo. Wala lang siya hindi ba? Pero bakit dala mo ang gamit niya at magkahawak ang kamay niyong dalawa?

Nagbulag bulagan ako. Hinayaan ko muna ang sarili kong maging masaya sayo. Kasi kaunti nalang naman ang natitirang oras ko sa mundo kaya pinili kitang makasama pa. Pilit binubura ang imahe niyong dalawa na magkasama. Nagtagal naman tayo ng ilang buwan na ganon ang ayos. Parang bumalik sa dati pero alam mong may kulang. Pero ang hindi ko maintindihan, bakit mo ko niyayang magpakasal gabi nung araw na nakita ko kayang magkahalikan?

Ang fucked up lang ng lahat.

The engagement became a chaos. I confronted you with your girl. You explained but I am too tired to understand every word. But what broke me within my limit is when you started comparing me to her. We've been together for five years. Five fucking years but you compare me with your half a year girl?

Ansakit naman no'n.

Hindi ko na nakayanan. I left you all alone with the ring on your hand. But days after, my symptoms became severe. I can no longer sleep properly, my head always throbbing. Doctor says my emotion made it worse.

Maybe while you're reading this, I am lying on my coffin six feet below the ground. And you, spending your life with the girl you love after me. I am no longer mad and jealous. I just want you to be genuinely happy just like the happiness you feel when we're in the highs of our relationship.

We had a fair share of fault but I think you can blame me for more than half of it. I started it. If only I have the guts to share my sufferings with you then maybe you'll be here beside me and I am not wasting my remaining time writing letter. Because you are beside me and I am happy to part ways with you and not us being apart.

We didn't handle the downside of our relationship properly but it's okay. As long as you're happy then I'll be happy too. Just please that a good care of your girl. Make her feel love everytime. Don't let her feel what I felt and I made you feel. I wish you the best.

The hardest goodbye will be with the person you can no longer be with, at all.

Your Leila