Scattered letter

Letter 2

Letter of the midnight wonders

Birthday.

Do you experience the same situation as mine that birthday is just a normal day?

Birthday ain't special to me anymore. Yes it is the day when I was born but it doesn't appeal to me anymore.

I badly wanted to turn off my birthday in my social media but I am afraid no one will greet me.

That no one remembers me and I will end up sad on my birthday. I just wanted to fool myself that they really wanted to greet me and not only be reminded by the notification that it is my birthday.

I am afraid to expect and ended up disappointed anymore because I experienced too much.

I remember my birthday back then, I came home from MTAP during grade school but I found no one at home. I can't remember if I know that I will be alone beforehand but all I can remember is I bought a chocolate bar and some junk food worth 1 peso each.

I am sad and I will never forget that. Since then, or maybe years before that, I have already gotten used to being disappointed. That's why I tried my best to not be aware of the month, especially when my birthday month is approaching. I don't want to think of scenarios that I want to happen on my birthday and end up disappointed because none among lots of scenarios happened.

I am being honest if I say that I am still looking forward to the greetings of my friends where they will share their favorite pictures, videos, or experiences with me.

And I am also being honest if I confess that none of them greet me that way. I am quite demanding, I know. But I can only feel special about my birthday if someone really does remember my day and express their happiness towards my day. I know I am getting vulnerable right now but you know, this is my soft hour. It's 2 am but I am thinking about my birthday.

I am sad. Silently crying. Not because I still can't get over my birthday but because I am just sad and quite emotional. I just read a few chapters of a certain book and happened to discuss something about birthday that made me look back and write this letter.

As I end this letter, I am also saying goodbye to this feeling. Feeling of being unwanted, emotional and isolated. I may be happy most of the time but I also have this plenty of hours that I spent crying and questioning every situation I have been in.

I just planned to read a book but I ended up questioning my existence. Don't be like me. Goodnight.

Your friend laying in bed with tears,
Vina