When It Clicks

Click is the sound of picking my nails

Day in

And out until they bleed

And I have to suck them to make it stop

I taste the copper

It tastes like regret for about 40 seconds

Until it doesn't

And I do it again

Click is the noise of every other step

Walking across the tile 

Of some important room

All I can think is

How much I hate shoes

Heels, in particular

They announce to the world

My invisible but audible

Uneven gait

Can you hear it?

Too many falls

I'd rather be barefoot and falling again

Kicked so my lungs are strangers to wind

Click like the tick of the analog clock

I insist

On keeping in my room

I need to hear how much time I'm wasting

If I can hear the click

Then I'm not being productive

Useful

Helpful

Grateful

Smile, bitch

You're so privileged

You're so lucky

"Talented"

No

My brain whirring, winding

From click to click

All the world is math

And all the men and women

Don't think as much as this

Calculate the probability of a break

A drink or a smoke to make it all quiet

Or drown my thoughts with sound

Cue the click in my head

When Patrick said

"My heart is like a stallion"

I get it now

My break for their love

Click goes the lighter

I raise to the fuse

Like a glass to freedom

I'm overdue

For another explosion

Or self-sabotage

Blow dryer to my glue

A cold little circle

On my temple

And a hollow click is enough

To remind me

I'm alive

What a life

                                                               I promised I'd stay when he left

                                                               So I'm alive