Jongin.

Jongin [oneshot]

I need to move on. Forget.

It has been ten months already, since Jongin left for military. We haven't been talking for months already. I just realized how stupid I am. I remember-

flashback

I slowly went up my knees and slapped Jongin for the nth time. He was so stupid. In fact, even beyond stupid. No words can describe how hurt I am and how stupid he is.

I laughed like a mad woman. I laughed, with tears still flowing. I walked up the stairs and I heard him slowly following me. I was going to our room, I wasn't going to let him enter.

I closed the door, pain evident on my face, while Jongin just stayed outside the doorframe. I leaned my back against the door. I just couldn't help it. I feel useless. I wasn't able enough to stop him. Here I am, being a coward. Wasting my time instead of spending his last hours with us together.

He knocked. He tried to open the door. But no, how dare he leave me like this?

"Don't you dare enter this room."

"Just... J-just remember, Mirae. I will always remember you," he paused for awhile, sighed and breathed out, "I love you."

He continued, his voice becoming more calm and sweet like the heavens, "My jagiya slash yeobeo loves me too, I know." I silently laughed.

That's true, Jongin. I always do.

"That is why she married Jongin~ neh?," he sounded like he was expecting for an answer, but instead I let anger and frustration win inside of me that I just kept silent.

"Do you want me to sing you a song?," he asked, but I knew it was his way to let me talk to him.

He suddenly asked me jokingly, "How about I sing you The Call by Regina Spektor?" (this song is actually about the soldiers and their family waiting for them to get back, such a nice song :"> but then you know most of the soldiers don't come back so... Its kinda saddening lol if that's even a word)

I was about to protest loudly when I heard him laughing. His voice. His sweet laughter. This is why I love him. The only thing I hate about him is that he is impulsive. He makes decisions without thinking. I know he is doing this for our country. His country. Why should I stop him, if I know this is for his own country?

I am so selfish.

--

I suddenly bolt up. Was it just a dream? I looked around. I wasn't in my usual sleeping position. Jongin isn't beside me either. He was nowhere to be found.

Now I know, it isn't a dream. I checked the time, it was past afternoon. I knew he already left. I started to cry again, even though that wouldn't make much difference. Even if I cry a river, he couldn't just possible come back just like that. He signed up for this. He couldn't quit. He can't.

I can't believe I fell asleep. Did he know I fell asleep? What if he told me some things I needed to know? But I was sleeping, and he didn't know. Oh my god, I am such an idiot. I shouldn't have let myself fall asleep.

How can I- when.. when I should've.. oh my god. I couldn't help it, I let my tears flow freely down my face. It hurts so much. It hurts so much, he could've just killed me. It would have been better. Much more better than this.

Jongin, how could you?

end of flashback

I held on tightly to my first letter before sending it to Jongin. This time, I'm going to admit everything. I hope he reads everything in this letter. I hope I'm not too late.

Jongin.

Jongin-ah,

Jagi, I miss you already. I hope you miss me too, just as much as I do. Why aren't you replying? Are you too busy there? Aww, your jagiya's sad and disappointed. I thought it was me over anything else? Remember when I confessed to you first? You looked like an idiot. You were all smiley and you couldn't contain your happiness that you just jumped around the amusement park and told almost everyone that I like you. And then you tripped over a rock. Kekeke~~ But you were behind me, and when you fell, you accidentally pushed me also. Then we ended up falling together. Insted of worrying about yourself, you first helped me up and dusted my clothes off. You told me I'm the top in your priority list now, with your parents also on the top.

Jongin, I believed in all that. I trusted you. But then you just had to save your country. I feel so sad, Jongin. You could say I'm selfish but.. That day, when you told me you were going to military, before that I was so excited to let you hear the good news. We were going to have a child, Jongin. "Jongin! Finally, our first precious!," I was practicing my lines before you went home. I couldn't believe it, Jongin. We were waiting all this time, but sadly you just had to leave. That caused me to go under depression. I wasn't able to eat well, I forgot to go for check-ups, I didn't have enough sleep because I was thinking of you all night. I think you already know what happened after that. I'm not saying it's your fault. It was just- unexpected. And I didn't know how to take it so suddenly.

Now, I'm trying to move on. I'm trying my best to forget you. But I can't, Jongin. You know I can't. Please... just please come back.

Yours truly,

Mirae

I re-read the whole letter over and over again while crying. Am I seeing things right? Am I delusional only? We could have had a baby! But I.. I was the one who caused our baby's.. death?

I walked back and forth on my room trying to figure things out. It has been ten months. For pete's sake, ten effing months! Our baby could've been born already, if it wasn't for me who was just so stupid to leave my jagiya behind!

I pulled my hair in frustration and shouted out loud. I didn't care if my dorm mates outside heard me, they probably wouldn't understand at all.

"I'm sorry, Mirae-ah. If I could just sneak out of here, I would. But today's already the day. And they need me."