1.1 | Lost & Found

x. beach

I N D I G O

Life is the biggest irony that we are all yet to realize. For one, I've always been taught that I am too insignificant to even amount to anything at all (thank you, mom), and therefore no matter how hard I'll try, nobody will ever trust me enough.

This is actually something I'd introspected and realized a long time ago but refused to believe as any other normal eleven-year-old would. I wouldn't give to be normal.

But it's only the truth that my life has been never ever, ever been normal. I've been bullied, ignored by my own mother, made fun of, demeaned. And that's something my brain refuses to come to terms with. My heart, on the other hand, beats pulsatingly, living burdened with the truth. My voice, the hidden one, has long since left. I believe it ran away, too scared to be a part of a world so cruel. Every day is a fight to believe that my imaginary world is not an escape but a reality.

Trust.

Something fragile like glass. Something so delicate and transparent in itself. One crack is all it takes for it to shatter and break into a million splintering pieces. Nobody trusts me. Yet I'm the one with the most heart-aching secrets.

So when Olivia told me that we were going for an evening drive, just the two of us like our own little secret, something warm fluttered in my chest. It took me a while to realize it was the steady, trusting beat of my heart, as sure as any star in a clear midnight sky.

It's late in the evening when Olivia tells me we are heading out. Ezra and Isaac aren't back home from work and Blake is missing as usual. Dakota was venting out his hyperactivity in his video games.

Olivia leads me to her sleek silver car, and I sit in the passenger side, smiling slightly. Smiling is all I've been doing since I've met the Clar- my siblings. That can't be bad, can it?

As soon as we get in, Olivia locks the sides of the car and turns on the radio. A soothing song plays in the background, as the female lead sings about letting go and breathing. If only it were all that easy. Hadleigh blurs into a haze as we speed ahead, into what looks like fields. Hadleigh is a modern town, but one surrounded by gentle hills, and jagged cliffs. One can hear the steady crashing of the waves so I'm assuming Hadleigh is close to the seashore.

Olivia looked straight ahead as she drove, past the white beam of our headlights, deep into the night, like she could see exactly what was up ahead of us. I couldn't see anything, though: not a house, not a store, not even an old barking dog. A big fat moon, pearl white, and lonesome-looking was our only streetlight. I watched the way the faint moonlight of the evening painted her profile: her high highlighted cheekbones, the easy pull of her mouth. I didn't need to see her eyes to know how they'd look: sky blue and beautiful. Full of all the wonder in the world.

"Indigo, darling get in the backseat and stand up."

What?

"Indie, snap out of it, honey. Wanna do something supercool? Go to the backseat. Theo and I used to do it all the time."

Theo?

I could hear a hint of agony lace her words so I refused to comment.

I awkwardly managed to get in the backseat and Olivia opened up the roof of the car.

I stood up carefully, supporting myself carefully, while the car cruised on.

I understand why Olivia asked me to do this.

As the wind catches my hair and my raven locks swirl out from behind me, I stare out in awe at the sigh all around me. We're cruising along a hill, and from distance, I can see a sandy ivory shore. All around me stars faintly pop out from the dark blue sky, and the chilly breeze leaves gooseflesh on my skin. I look at the moon bravely shining in her skin while the numerous stars around her sparkle on, untouched. I listen in a quiet bliss to the harmony of the sea in sync with the melodies of the evening sky.

And then I let out a surprised laugh.

It sounds like tinkling bells during Christmas.

I like the sound of my laugh.

I had almost forgotten what it sounded like.

I sit back down in the car.

"Soooo ..." I propped my feet up on the dashboard and wiggled my socked feet. "Where are we going?"

The wind answered before Olivia did; it swooshed through the van and flung her blond hair into a cloud of golden whirls and curls. Only my sister could shine like that when the rest of the world was so dark.

"The beach."

I loved the beach. Mom used to love the beach. But I wouldn't like to ruin the delicacy of this moment by bringing her up. Olivia parks the car and flings my door open before I can even get out and takes me by the hand and runs into the dark ocean's waves. She sprays the water on me.

We dance under the moonlight, jumping up in the dark dizzy, wonderful circles. Wild and free and magical. I have salt in my hair and sand in my feet but I don't care. For once in my life, the future seemed distant and temporarily forgotten, and the present reigned.

The crickets sang a little louder as we crossed that river. The moon shone a little bit brighter. The night air smelled like baking cookies. And my heart drummed steadily: Yes, Yes, Yes. Good things happen when my heart says yes, especially if nobody else around me is saying much of anything at all.

The stars above us spelled out:

Summer

Family

Wonder

Homespun

Love.

And the yellow lines caught in our headlights curved into these words:

Stay

Listen

See

I heard a lonesome feeling tangled up inside a rush of the midnight songs the crickets were whistling:

Finally,

At last,

Forever, and now,

Here you are.

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