Two years,
I was away from you.
Two years
I went through complete hell.
Two years of fighting,
Draining my will.
Two years,
I hadn't seen you, mom.
Why did you hate me so?
Why did you put me down,
Tell me I was useless,
Render me emotionless,
Unable to grow attached,
To anyone, to anything?
Is it nice to know,
That for the one week I saw you for,
Every moment I was there,
My eyes burned?
Mom,
You left me when I needed you.
You taught me how cruel the world can be,
And how to live through it all.
Mom, you showed me first hand.
Where was my mommy,
When I was a little girl.
All I wanted was love,
And all I got was a world of hurt.
You didn't know about the bullies.
The ones who called me crazy, wild.
The ones who tried to put me down
Every goddamn time I smiled.
You were nice for a little while,
Then you grew cold and mean.
Where were you, mom?
I thought you were supposed to be there for me..
---
I grew up alone,
Without a soul to turn to.
Locked it all up inside,
Where no one could say what I felt,
Was wrong.
Mom,
You hurt me real bad.
Weren't you supposed to provide "unconditional love"?
Isn't that what a mom's supposed to do?
I thought you were there to protect me after dad left.
I was supposed to rely on you,
To trust you.
And all you did was call me names,
Tell me I was worthless,
That I should've up and died.
You broke me, mom.
It hurts.
It hurts, so fucking much.
Why won't you keep hating me?
Why do you care now?
Why do you make everything so much worse?
I built a wall between us,
You made me build a fucking wall, mom.
To withstand the crushing force of the painful things you say and do.
But how the hell did you make it come crumbling down,
With a simple, "I still love you."
I grew accustomed to pain.
I grew used to all the hate.
I distanced myself from reality,
I don't usually "feel" anything.
No emotions. No desires.
Lonliness has never been a "possibility".
It was more of an inevitability.
Two years,
I was safe from your bullshit.
But those two years,
I dealt with someone else's.
You don't know the half of what went on,
You don't know the added shit I had to deal with.
Alone.
Without you.
Yet now, now you bother to care.
How the hell can I trust you?
I can't.
You might hurt me again.
Just like everyone else.
You left me, like they all did.
You're no different.
...
So why do I still cry over you?
You make my head hurt,
And I don't know why.
