I can barely do anything anymore
I want to talk to you guys
But I can barely open my mouth to speak
My heart has become heavy
My feet trudge, I'm weary
I haven't slept in days
I can't anymore
I tried
But
I feel myself slipping
Through the cracks of my broken shell
I feel so lost...
Buried deep under ground.
But yet, they still said I was wrong
That I had a strength unlike any other
That I was still, to this day, strong
Looking at me now
My bruised, bleeding arms
With cobwebs of memories lining everything I see
No part is left bare to this day
My arms stay hidden
No delay
People walk by
The sleeves tugged lower
For I am a common being.
Inferior,
Among such high standards.
Strength?
Hah, maybe a little.
But still remaining broken.
Unable to 'hakuna matata' my way out of it.
Depression lingers,
Hatred simmers.
Never changing,
Staying nonetheless
Coping?
Nothing works anymore.
What has brought on this sudden bout?
The snow.
Cold, swirling in eddies.
Bitter, causing your nose to run.
Building up over time.
Trapping you indoors.
Reminding me the most of the horrors I've survived.
I don't know what my problem is.
It seems like I'm trapped in a neverending hallucination.
Everywhere I look, everything triggers it.
Causes me to hunker down and wait for it to pass.
Anxiety gets worse.
I'm a paranoid freak.
I feel like my life is sand.
Slowly drifting out of my hands,
And collecting in a jar of insanity.
Will I end up like my mother?
Am I going to end up alone?
Everyone tells me to stop apologizing.
But, I can't.
What's wrong with me?
I'm so confused at this point.
I couldn't tell you which way is up, which way is down.
The snow makes everything seem the same.
Past mixes with present,
Stupid, gleeful memories clash with nights of being dragged off my bed,
Thrown in the streets.
Huh, wonder why I rarely wear pj's anymore,
Winter has always been a bad time for me.
Summer nights were warm, easy to move about.
The snow slows you down, makes you have to give a shit.
Thoughts crowd my head.
Making damn sure that I know I should be dead.
A mistake, a hopeless kid.
Nobody would miss me,
They'd move on.
