confessions of an elite simp

everything i know about unrequited love

present tense - today

as in right now. The beginning of June 2021. The story will all follow after this. But I'm experiencing an immense wave of emotions right now, to the point where I can't think straight. 

It started this afternoon. But just now, trying to write notes for my exam on Monday has proven to be quite frankly, impossible. My mind is blurred right now. 

First off, this morning I woke up to being left on read by Mark which was pretty cruel since its never happened, and for whatever reason - maybe it's just sheer pettiness; I did indeed take it personally. I mean, he is the one meant to have a crush on me. rude!

secondly, Tom also left me on read shortly after. Now I know he has a history of doing this but I thought we have been close lately. Also PS. this will all make ALOT more sense when you read the story. Anywho, I was pretty upset by this too, however I have been a little suspicious of Tom lately as to the regard of what Sam has been saying. They stopped being friends because Tom has been dry to Sam even though he apparently sorted things out. 

I feel bad for Sam - he is sort of a lost puppy. In fact, he is most certainly such. He is heavily misguided because he is so easily influenced by others. Furthermore, his innocence blinds what is right in front of him. When he found out I liked him, he didn't even know how to handle the situation. To be fair, I wouldn't have known either. I've never been in a situation where someone has really liked me, and I haven't known prior to. Yeah, I've had suspicions, but they've never actually said it to my face. 

Regardless of how he handled the situation, in a way similar to probably how I would have reacted, I was left pretty much heartbroken. And that leads to what I have titled the chapter - unrequited love. But what is love? or just infatuation? Honestly, Im not sure. Ive never had a crush this intense. And its not his looks. I fell in love with his energy. But we were never together. So I dont think it was love. 

Anyways, I was doing pretty well getting over him - thats of course lately. Earlier on closer to the incident I can certainly say I was not doing well. But yeah, I was pretty happy with myself - working alot with uni etc so didnt really have time in the day to go drive to the gym whenever he was there, just so I could drive him home. Which btw, I have no problem with doing. I enjoy driving him because I enjoy his company. There's probably no one else I can think of that can hold a conversation for as long as Sam. Not even my best friends. HOWEVER I would like to note the connection I have with my sister is far superior, and I can always talk to her about anything. I love Holly and Maddy to bits, and can turn to them for emotional help, but if I want to have a really fun adventurous time those four people are the first to come to mind.

Sams the kind of guy where, if he was my brother, Id be honoroud. I love his company. I just have issues where I get worried that he thinks im still obsessed, or annoying, or clingey; which persay is sort of true. Thats why I wish he was my brother or something so he wouldnt have a choice hehe. Cause i can hold my feelings in. I dont have a burning desire to have sex with him or anything. And up until today I wasnt really vibing with the thought of kissing him anyway. 

But today I had such a fun time at the gym. We were kicking the punching bag and he was teaching me moi thai, and we did russian twists together. it was just. cute. and wholesome. And it was raining to which was bonus points. 

idk. it was just really fun and enjoyable. Even though we both talk about how we think a guy is 'peng' or whatever, I don't even care about any of them. I would find no issue in dropping the stares at other guys or people I'm talking to. in a millisecond. And that's the issue. That's the problem right there. Because Sam doesn't like me like that. He wouldn't do the same. There's a lot of things he wouldn't do the same for me. So why do I still leave at the drop of a hat so I can see him? beats me. I'm a fucking simp or something yuck. And to say I was doing so well omg. I was really improving. There was just something about today. And now I can stop thinking about him even though he has acne, greasy hair, and earrings. There's definitely something wrong with me because he honestly has so many ICKS but none of them ick me. This is code red. 

The sad thing is that there is nothing I can do. It's like an avatar. He has to let go of Kotara, even though there's nothing else he wants. But he can't move forward and control his state if he doesn't let go of the past. let go of his emotions. I need to do that because I can't live life thinking he is going to change his mind. Even if I hung out with Peng every day, I don't think id ever change my mind. And he is a great guy and I know he would treat me well. But I wouldn't be able to do it. So I cant expect Sam to do it either. I think I need to give him space, but most of all I need to do it for myself. I can't move forward otherwise. 

But that's the thing with unrequited love. When you really like someone, there's only one thing you want, and you'll do practically anything to achieve it. Both people's emotions are delicate, and can just be morphed around. When they don't like you back, you might question yourself, but don't. There's probably been a time when someone has liked you, and they have been nice and possessed all the qualities you look for. But for whatever reason, you just don't see them in a romantic way. It's hard either way. Experiencing both, I really think it's important to be delicate and considerate when they like you, don't go around telling everybody; it's degrading to them. I know it's a little bit of an ego boost, but don't let it get to your head - of course, keep your standards high. 

It's extremely tough liking someone when they don't like you back. Especially when you deem it necessary to basically imagine your whole life together. People change, and so do you. You'll find someone just like them, but someone who prioritises you, and puts you first. Someone who will treat you just the way you treat the guy who didn't like you back. Ill find someone who treats me like I treat Sam. Someone like Sam. Ill take the exact same guy. But just one who fully appreciates me. I doubt he is going to find a girl who is adventurous and wants to try new things, is comfortable skating around everywhere, plays sports and goes to the gym, generous, humorous, kind, loving, good fashion sense, stable job, goes to uni. probably definitely going to be successful in one form or another :) hehe yeah im hyping myself up, but only cause its true. Im definetely a catch, and I know that. So if he is stupid enough to ignore the baddie standing in front of him, he isnt worth it. If he ever asks "wanna date" ill say "bitch, you shoulda asked this at least half a year ago. And if you really appreciated me, you would of seen this from the beginning, just as I did. The literal first day we spoke. So yeah. As much as I lvoe you as a friend, lets be brothers. Lets just be friends"..

"cause I dont feel the spark yeah?"