I need you...

The move

Here we are, I'm moving out today. The week I just spent was catastrophic. My father doesn't talk to me anymore and he makes me notice that I disappoint him more and more every day.

My mother and I talked and she forgave me for the horrible things I said to her.

In high school, I stayed with Dixie and her friends, but I only talked to Alex. He didn't say anything to anyone about what I told him and left me his number so I could talk to him when things go wrong. I did not expect him to understand, but I am happy. 

I would not say that he is a friend, but he is someone I can count on. 

I've had a lot of panic attacks because I'm very afraid of what's going to happen to me when I will be in Los Angeles. 

I didn't eat any better than usual, but it could have been worse. I feel that my weight is gradually stabilizing and I am very proud of it but I am also afraid, very afraid of what it implies.

Anyway, we are at the airport surrounded by Dixie's friends. They all say goodbye to her with tears in their eyes. 

They all give me a kiss not to exclude me but I know full well that I do not matter to them. Alex comes up to me and hugs me. He comes up to my ear and whispers: 

-Don't forget that you are a great person despite what they may tell you. If you are not fine, call me and tell me everything that is going on! I'm your friend and I'm here for you, okay?

-My...my friend? I ask with a smile on my lips. 

-Yes, yes, I am your friend! he says, beginning to speak loudly. 

-So I am proud to tell you that you are my first friend! I reply with a little laugh.

-The first and the best lol ! No seriously call me as much as possible and tell me when you're not okay ! He exclaims, looking into my eyes.

-I promise you! I says, taking him in my arms again.

We have to get on board, so we go there. We say goodbye to the others and we move on. Dixie just turns around and cries.

On the plane, I fall asleep directly, which is not my habit, but I'm not going to complain about it. I sleep the whole way. 

We are leaving the Los Angeles airport and we are heading for a taxi. I am very stressed but I do not show it too much.

My dad doesn't say a word to me, but it's been going on for a week, so I'm getting used to it.

We arrive in front of a beautiful house. My father opens and we enter. We look around the house and I go to my room. There are a few boxes. I decide to unpack them and then I lay down on the bed with music. I start to cry thinking that tomorrow is my first day at school. 

My throat is tied and I have trouble breathing. I burst into tears. And here I am again trying to calm this new crisis.

After 15 minutes I calm down but tears continue to flow on my red cheeks. I would like to tear out my eyes as the grief they cause me is strong... Suddenly, I hear my mother screaming my name. I put on my hood and go down the stairs slowly. 

-Cha, hurry, please! she says, trying to pull my arm.

-Mom, stop! I don't need your help! I exclaim with a shaking voice.

When she sees my head, my mother worries even more. She hugs me and gives me a kiss on my forehead. 

I draw her a fake smile so she doesn't worry too much. 

-Come on, I'm going to introduce you to the neighbours!

-Pff, okay... I say rolling my eyes.

-Here are Mr. and Mrs. Richards with their son! she exclaims, pointing them out to me. 

I decide to turn my head toward them. They must be staring at me because of my eyes. I dare not speak. I remind you that talking to strangers is one of my greatest fears.

"Hello ! says the little lady in front of me.

"Hey, Cha, please answer! I am ashamed of you there!" says my mother, getting angry.

-You want me to speak when you know why I don't answer ! Mom you're really abusing Anyway, I'm disappointing Dad and I'm embarrassing you so at this point if I don't answer it's- 

-Uh, excuse me, but could someone tell me where the toilets are? asks the neighbor's son.

-Yes, follow me! I say, trying to avoid the conversation.

-Thank you...

We go up and I'm going to lock myself in the bathroom. I fall down against the wall sobbing. I just realize I made a fool of myself in front of strangers. I also realize that I am a horrible girl and that my parents no longer support me.

Someone knocks on the door. I wipe my tears, go to the door and fall on the neighbour.

-Uh, what's your name?" he asks me.

-Charli! ! I answer with a dry tone, but with a trembling voice.

-Well, it's Josh ! he exclaims, smiling at me.

He washes his hands and we come down. I see my mother talking. Behind me I see my sister. 

As soon as she sees me, she jumps in my arms because she understands that I cried a lot. Josh looks at us strangely.

-Well,  girls go upstairs and dress well, the neighbours are going to stay and eat ! exclaims my mother.

-I... wait what? They eat here? I ask

"Yes," replies my mother, looking at me with astonishment.

I'm running into my room and slamming the door. Strangely I'm not crying, nah, this time I'm upset. My mother knows I'm very afraid to eat and she invites people to eat with us. I know I'm not going to be able to calm down on my own. I decide to put on a jog and a shirt. I told you, I'm ashamed of my body...

I go down and go into the kitchen. I see the meal already ready and I apprehend directly. I go to the drawer where the drugs are. I take my crisis pills. I take two and put them away. 

I grab a big glass of water and go into the living room. I sit on the couch next to Dixie. She talks to Josh while my father who is in front of me.

-Very well dressed to what I see. He says, looking at me very badly.

-A problem? I ask angrily.

-Your mother tells you to dress well, and you come with a jog. You could have made an effort, no? he exclaims maliciously.

-This is the first time you talk to me since last week and you talk to me about effort ?" I say, tired of his remarks.

-At the same time, you are so ashamed of yourself that you cannot even accept it. he replies, knowing that it hurts me.

-Dad, you can leave her alone, you can see you're hurting her! Screams Dixie.

I go to the table with the neighbours. My eyes are full of tears but I do everything not to let them sink. I am ashamed of the image I give, it is true. 

But why does my father keep telling me this ?

________________________________

I'm gonna try to be more active on this account i promise..

hope you're fine ! if u are not, u you can talk to me about it 🤍