A shell of memories

The beauty in darkness

I was assailed by memories of the past now that I only have one week or less to live.
Misery is a scar on my face every could easily see, but few could erase the pain I felt inside. I did not want to die, but the world condemned me to accept my fate.
I want to travel back in time and relive the fantastic little things that life has to offer. To enjoy the shade of the chestnut tree during a hot summer day, the golden sunsets at sea, the incredible sky full of sparkling stars, and most of all, the company of my family.

I do not want to name my tumor at all. I know that this glioblastoma multiforme is fatal, and in my case, it was in my head unnoticed for at least five years. The accident I had yesterday while driving home was the first time it manifested itself. Even after the accident, I did not think the news of the exams would be so disastrous.

Now I am lying here remembering the old days, screwing up my eyes and watching the days go by on my mental calendar, unable to understand.
I asked Laura, my wife, to bring me music. Music that plays songs that I had danced to only yesterday, but I also know that soon, the music will stop. Somehow, it is foolish to make new memories when you know you are going to lose them.

It is late at night. I am alone in my room, and I do not want to sleep. Visiting hours are long gone, and only a nurse comes by now and then to check on me.
It is interesting how a word or thought can evoke memories that are believed to be buried beyond recognition. Lost in those memories, I fall asleep, but even though I try to keep them alive, my dreams take them away from me, and everything returns to emptiness.
Since I do not want to sleep, my body wakes up several times during the night. Fortunately, I have no pain, no physical pain.

During these quiet hours, it is easy to think about the past. All the memories are nailed like butterflies to a wooden board containing the date as a bitter memory that shows me the passing of time. In many ways, it is a shame because I had thought that my life had no severe problems of its own. Now I know different.

There are many of us who, on a typical day, accept and rejoice in the things we did; Others we postpone, thinking about the many hours tomorrow will bring. It seems that there is never enough time to do everything we want. Despite our best efforts, some things do not go well, something that seemed fine at the time because we could not see the final result before we started. In a perfect world, we must know the future and the impact of our actions and understand the infinite consequences of our most minor decisions. I may not see a day like this, but I believe the day will come when people and machines will produce a better world.

I had so many things planned in my life, but now everything is shrouded in the deep darkness of destiny. But somehow, I am happy to have these next few days. Being aware of what is happening to me because there is no consciousness without senses and memories.

The next time I opened my eyes, it was 5:20 a.m. Through the curtains, there was a Light that began to illuminate the room.
Soon my Laura was coming to keep me company. She is the woman of my life and where all my yesterdays are buried. It is comforting to know that we leave something of ourselves when we leave.
I do not think there is an afterlife, but I would be happy to not lose what I have now and find nothing but darkness.
I have accepted my situation, and now the only thing more unthinkable than to leave is to stay.
Not only that, but I will not tell her not to cry; because not all tears are evil. Those whom we love the most cause us not only great joy, but also great pain.

In the condition I am in, I do not exhaust my body during the day. On the contrary, I must remain calm to prolong the inevitable as much as possible, although I would prefer to go out and run, jump and use the little time I have. I think I could be selfish, and it would not bring happiness to my heart.
I do not get enough sleep at night because I enjoy meditating in the quiet of the night, and my head is too active with my worries. Furthermore, I am making the last sacrifice for the people I love, and only for them because it means the world to me.
If required, I swallow the words that I have to say to keep my family happy.
Laura goes on to explain how I need to not only hear what the doctors are saying, but also try to hear the meaning behind their words. She likes things that make sense, and it is her way of facing this reality. That explains everything you know about me. What she thinks makes perfect sense. But if you saw everything from my perspective, nothing compensates for the pain of losing everything.

I woke up again, and this time the clock read, 6:47 am. I had the strangest dream. There was a tree in my imagination. The tree was old, and it was there so lonely, with no other tree around it. Suddenly it began to rain, and out of nowhere, people appeared seeking shelter under the lush green of the tree. I could see the faces of each of them. I wanted to talk to them, but nobody could hear me and nobody seemed to know I was there. The moment I tried to scream, something woke me up. I intended to continue with the dream, but it was not possible.

The second day at the clinic started as expected. Doctors eager to do tests, and me wanting to run. So many thoughts went through my head. Most of them contained the same, just an idea that I can express as: "If I must die, please let me have some peace."
Laura and I decided yesterday that if the last test confirmed the worst forecasts given by the tests taken during the day, we would not take any more steps to prolong the inevitable.
I value her words and decisions as I value her kisses, those special ones that penetrate the heart.

The nurses did not talk to me much. They knew of my condition and that saying the best words, even if they were meant to make me feel better, had little power to change the inevitable or even make me feel much better.
The only happiness coming my way was to see my family, who would soon be here with me.