Seeing Death

00

M A E V E

The song went from being low to suddenly sounding angry and I followed it, moving my fingers like it was on a piano even though I was just going with the melody and sound. It was beautiful, even mum would have said so. She loved songs like this; she made me love songs like this and I didn't even hate it; I loved it even more in her absence. She was one to find art in everything. Even the dung of a dog was beautiful, if it was folded right. Pretty disgusting I know.

Even though the years had passed, some things just never changed, not me, not the way I felt about the songs. The song got loud again and my fingers pressed harder against the soft pillow on my laps. I had snapped my eyes shut because I wanted to feel it all, all of it, the anger, the love, the heartbreak, it was all coursing through me and in that moment I could feel something else other than pain.

The song ended abruptly, and I opened my eyes to see I had accidentally pulled out my earphones while aggressively pressing down on my pillow. Sighing, I finally pulled out the earphones and got up from my bed, adding another line to the calendar I had on my wall. Another day and I'm still alive. Why was it taking so long? I had seen so many people die over the years, including her, so why was mine taking any longer?

I got up from my bed with a deep heave as I lifted myself off completely without holding on to anything, a skill you could call it. The granola bar on the cabinet eyed me, and I picked it up, knowing there was nothing more I could do other than that.

Soon enough, it all hit me. Her smiles, her words, her loving nature and just how I had ruined it all. She was the light in our family, and that much was obvious after her demise.

My stomach growled, the granola barely doing much to satisfy my hunger. Deciding two days was more than the limited number of days for me to stay holed up inside my room, I stepped out of it. The wood on the floor felt oddly warm under my feet as I walked down the stairs and made my way into the kitchen. I smelt him before I saw him. The smell of his aftershave spread in the air.

I looked at him before making my way towards him, "Hey, dad." The words passed through my lips softly, barely coming out as loud as I wanted.

He stared at me with wide eyes as he held the spoon he was using tightly in his palm. "Y-you're home?"

"I live here too, dad. Yes, I'm home." I replied, making my way past him and getting the cereal box at the top of the shelf, a bowl, spoon and finally milk from the fridge. When I shut it, I watched him adjust uncomfortably on the stool he sat on. He looked like he wished to be anywhere but here.

I poured the milk into the cereal and stuck the spoon in it. "You don't need to look so terrified all the time, you know? I can't kill you."

"Say that to your mother in her grave!" He yelled, his eyes livid as he slapped the cereal bowl with his hand and it hit the floor.

I didn't flinch, more like I couldn't flinch. Growing up, I had unconsciously gotten used to it, gotten used to his mood swings and anger that he constantly threw my way. It wasn't nothing new; it was just how he was, how I had made him to be. I watched as his shoulders shook with the anger coursing through his body, his fists remained clenched and the thoughts in my mind never ceased to consider if he wanted to hit me as bad as I wanted to hit myself.

"Get out of my sight." He muttered, sinking to the floor and crying into his palms. Today was one that left us on edge, it was her anniversary after all. I knew how to hide it better. But him? He was always used to showing his emotions and anger had never been one of those emotions till he lost her.