Grandfather

I remember you. But my heart doesn't. As cowardly of a heart as it is. I do not know what I am trying to do. Actually, that's a lie. I'm trying to find my way back to you. I don't know where my pen will end up or why. But you told me to look up towards the sky. And I remember that piece of advice. And I want to honour you. I want to get revenge but I don't know if revenge in your name is even possible. I want to share my own with all the world. I want to see the infinities that you hold.

You told me to look up towards the sky. And whenever I do redemption it floods in. Do you know the ways that hatred wins? Do you know the ways that cruelty wins? Crinkle-eyed Loki, may you have a blessed eternity, may you have a happy eternity. May you recover from your loss.

All these words that I have that I cannot say to anyone. And so I write them in sentences no-one will understand. All of these hopes that I cannot give to anyone. So I keep them inside and let them eat me whole. All of these eternities that I cannot share with anyone. So I swallow them and let them digest me. All of this wondering that I hope will lead somewhere. I hope it will lead to you, crinkle-eyed Loki.

These lands that we left, these lands that changed us. These seasons keep changing and so they change us. This loneliness I'm left with. We all come from the same love. Sad-eyed Loki, you are my North Star. You're my guidance when I have no guidance. But I'm selfish and cowardly and don't follow your guidance. You're my redemption when I deserve no redemption. But I'm selfish and cowardly and don't work towards redemption.

I'm caught in the crosshairs of two different worlds. Of two different responsibilities. My heart overflows. I take the moments for they're all I deserve. But I take the moments and I turn them into stars. Stars that I wish on again and again. Thank you for teaching me how to be a good friend. Thank you for teaching me that I don't deserve friends, I hope I can win however our story ends.

I hope we can win. Together. 

This is about a man I met at a protest camp. 

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