Phobias || Hyunsung

H11

[Jisung Point of View]

Someone used to tell me not to trust too much bcus at the end I'll only hurt. But, for some reason I didn't take his words seriously.

Again, I find myself standing infront of the large modern mansion.  Watching it in afar has becomes my daily routine for years. Feeling of uneasiness and anxiety envelope  inside me as I hesitantly ring the bell.

" Coming..!" My heartbeats start to increase as I hear her voice and footsteps coming closer. She open the gate and appear with a wide and sweet smile on her face. However, it did not last long as she find out who's the guest is.

" Sung..!" Sh exclaim and look around anxiously afraid if someone is watching. She quickly pull me inside and drag me to a hidden place in the garden.

When it's finally safe she harshly let go of her grip on my wrist and begin to complain. " Why did you come? I told you not to come here anymore, didn't I? I'll get into trouble if they know I have a son. Gosh, Sung you won't just listen..! " She snort before reaching her pocket and take out a fancy pulse.

"How much? "

She asks grabbing out a large amount of money and calculate it within a glance.
" Here, this will be enough for a year. Just don't come back here again. " She hand it to me. Forcing as I refuse. I shake my head.

" Mom I... I don't need money. I want you back." Her facial expression change in a light and drop into a frown. Another part of her telling me that she won't agree.

" Mum, please..? I need you and miss you. I have enough waiting long for you to come back. I won't blame you on dad's death. I just want us to live happily like we used to. Just the two of us will be enough. At least, I won't be alone anymore." I beg her.

" I can't Sung." She reply emotionless. No change is tone or emotion. Just dull. She shove down her pulse into the pocket before aggressively pull my hand and put the money on it. I slightly feel disappoint by her action.

" But, mum you promise me and— " I disable to finish my sentence as I feel a hard slap across my face. " Didn't I make it clear yesterday? I can't and I wont..!"

My hand slowly reach the spot she has slap. Tear begin to pool in my eyes. It's the first time she ever slap me so I couldn't help but feel  hurt.

" I even want to return there anymore. I thought I already made it clear ? Or shall I make it more clear. Fine, I tell you just in case you will find the best answer you want to hear so badly. First of all, life sucks with the both of you.  Your father is poor.  He can't afford nice clothes and delicious foods for us. He made us lived in debt and thanks to me now. I paid it all or else we will live in fear being chase and harm by the thugs again. Your father ran away from them and made me suffer alone. The man who knew to debt but can't repaid back in time. God, I fucking hate him. Killing him was the best decision I ever made. Secondly, you . You should be grateful for the things I have done to you. I held my hunger and sickness just to let you in the school you desperately wanted to enter  but what did I earn and get from that, huh? Absolutely! You reward me nothing. No excellent grade, no achievement, no trophy... Just a few warning cards and shame to my face. I let you in the school not  for you to play and annoyed other kids. I want you to study and make me proud but you... You just know to play. Are you still the same now? Bruh, but I don't care. Do what you like. Not my problems anymore. Dirts on uniform, free speech by the other parents, scars and bruise all over the body. Have any idea how I handle all of it? Or how worst my life living with the two of you? Like hell. Son of bloody minded that desperate want attention. Burden and pain on the ass. My head hurt just by thinking of it. Why don't you just die from the fire I set that night?"

Stop. Stop it. I cover my ears not wanting to hear more. I have enough listening that my ears start to feel the heat. She smirk for that.

"Clear now? Want me to talk more? I still haven't finish yet."

I look up to her. She has the evil in her eyes. Not like the old version of her which was kind and pure with smile. She seem so different. And, I hate it.

Feeling unlove and unfair, I grip the money and throw into the air. Right infront her face, I scream letting my untold thought out .

"I hate you fucking hate you. I was stupid for believing you words. Wishing you back is a waste of times. Waiting you to come is the worst mistake. And, you know what? I choose to believe you because you're my mum.   The person I know I can rely on and vanishing all my problems. But, you're not anymore.  You just the same as others. All you do is lie. I knew it from the start. You cheat from my dad with the other guy. I saw you sneaking him inside the house every single night my dad gone for working and searching us money. But, you know what? I hide it bcus I trust I know you still love my dad but now I certain the truth that you not. You not my mum. You're not. My mum already die long time ago along with my dad. I don't  know you. You're monster. "

My dad may poor but at least he raise me with love. He never complain. He work hard to feed us from starving . She don't have the right to insult my dad. She chose him at first place. She knew my dad was poor. She knew my dad was just a farmer. She knew my dad not rich. If she already knew all that, why would she agree to his proposal and get married then killed him just to marry another man that is rich and wealthy.

My dad is not a toy he can play with and leave as she want . And, I'm not just a shit she raise  and throw me afterward.

All I want is her love. It is hard?  I'm craving for the love of a mother. Living alone without it is hard. Moreover, after dad had left. She kill him. At least, she have to take the responsibility she had done and give me love. Bcus, I can't gain it from my dad any longer.

" Money is everything you need right? Then, don't search for me and assume me as your son again. Our relationship end here. Let's don't meet each other again. And, I won't disturb you anymore." I sniff. It's hard to say it but I did it and I mean it. A lot.

With that, I walk making a way back to the front gate where I ring the bell earlier. I make a turn to exit the gate. Wiping my tears with the sleeve of my clothes my leg stop from walking and heart immediately drop as I see someone familiar is standing infront of the gate . Hyunjin. I don't'know how long he have been standing here but by looking at his expression I'm sure he have hear some of our conversation. My heart hurt more. Some part of me hoping that he will not make fun of it. But, seeing his face full of concern and not a smirk I am a bit relief but still. Feeling of ashame couldn't less appear.

I walk away passing him. Shoulder meet shoulder. I hate it. The fact that he overheard our pathetic conversation.

" Hey Jisung..." He murmur as I pass him. I hear but ignore it as I hear her excited voice coming to greet Hyunjin.

" Oh, Hyunjin you come! Come, come... Yeji is already waiting."

Hearing her like that make me think that she really doesn't care about my words and all.  Isn't she..? She doesn't love me and never love me.