Literally a Journal

1 - Conversation

June 9, 2021

I wonder sometimes if you and I can have a conversation again. I wonder if, if the last time we talked, if I just shut up and listened I would have been better off. But I decided I had had enough, so I cut you off, and I left things unfinished... questions unanswered. Instead of waiting to meet up and talk it out, I said goodbye before I said hello and I told myself I'd never regret it while I fell apart on my sofa in an empty house. A silent house. I wonder if I listened then I would be where I am now.... who knows. Maybe if I just let you break my heart at your doorstep instead I would have been better off anyway. But I wont know... and it's been over a year now.

I am pretty sure I have moved on, even though you sometimes show up in my dreams and in my thoughts.... but you're never there for long- only for a fleeting moment of slight regret, anger, and sadness. But it is never for you. Nope. And not because I dont want to give you the satisfaction of hurting me, I cant hide that you did, and frankly I dont care. I am only upset with myself because if I knew then what I know now.... I never would have step foot into the relationship in the first place. And being entirely honest... 2 weeks before you confessed your feelings I told all my friends I wasnt ready to date, and that I wasnt interested in anyone at all... which was actually true surprise surprise. Idek why I decided to play it out in the first place... probably explains now why I asked us to take it slow and become friends first- because actually- you werent even a thought in my mind when you decided to shoot your shot. I learned after that though, to be fully honest with my feelings... to myself, and to everyone else.

It took me a bit of time to realize that no matter how terrible we were together, or how toxic I thought you were. We both were showing red flags. It took me even longer to accept the fact that I wasnt entirely at fault, or that I wasnt worthless, and that I was enough. I had to take that step back and away from the relationship to realize that no matter what we said, we werent made for each other... and even when I said this to myself during the relationship I tried to prove it wrong... which was stupid. Pro tip, if you dont think its gonna work out in the end. It probably wont work out in the end. Kinda sounds redundant and ignorant but it is true... especially for stubborn lovebirds like me.

Another tip, even if your parents kinda suck, if they dont like your friends/partners, take that into account seriously. My mom always said she didnt like you... and I was too blinded by my love for you that I didnt listen or see what was going on at all. Yes my folks aren't the greatest people but I still want my partner to respect them. The only way to reconcile and have them accept us is if yall can learn to get along and if they like you as a person... I'd rather not have more conflict with them over our relationship because they sont like you as a person. If they like you, but dont like that we are a couple, that's something different. And fuck them. But if they dont like you, and that we are together... maybe I should reconsider.

Anyway... I started this because a friend of mine said that journaling is good for you... and I did it before but I stopped. And I have had nightmares whenever I close my eyes for like the last 2 weeks... I usually have them often... just... not like this. I'm hoping that writing down everything helps me clear my mind somehow... and I probably will vaguely write about my dreams cuz why tf not.... I dont really expect folks to read this lol

But hey it will keep me accountable right?

Um anyway, if you are reading this... I might get rid of most of my other works here... I haven't been writing lately AT ALL, and I kinda feel like I need to wipe the slate clean if I am ever to genuinely write again... sorry to those that enjoyed the stories... but its something I have to do for me ya know?

Ummm.... yeah that's about it... also being honest idk why I chose to write about this specific topic/person tonight, but I guess were starting with that lol

Twice is releasing Taste of Love in like 2 hours so I'm kinda hyped.... haven't really been happy like this in a while... and im still not fully happy or content at all... but im not dead... so... uh.. yeah.

Anyway imma head out cuz phone is at 2% lmaoooo we love to see it

With love,
~Kj