Dear Nobody

I finally understand why this world has been so cruel to me. It isn't because I did something bad or because the world just is like that, it's because I am not meant to live any longer. I don't believe in god, but I do think there is some form of otherworldly force that decides what happens to us. You could call it destiny if you want, and my destiny is to leave this place. Or maybe I'm just trying to find a logical reason when there really is none. The stuff about destiny sounds cool, but I really just don't have a reason to be here. It's not like I am chosen, my death won't make someone understand how fragile life is and make them turn around their own to becoming a doctor or something. Nothing like that will happen. I will die and no one will miss me, not even you because you are not real. There isn't a real person out there who gives a care in the world if I die, and if destiny wanted me to do something else I would know what by now. I am done caring about people who don't care about me, who never have and never will. I am done giving my whole self to get nothing in return; and I am done being alive without living. I lied before when I wrote I know why this world is so cruel to me, I don't know but I don't think destiny cares more about me more than anyone else in this world, certainly not more than you. When I started writing to you I was already in a pretty bad place and hoping writing would help, it didn't. Maybe I didn't commit to it like I should have, or maybe I was already lost and dead. Maybe that's why I started writing in the first place. Maybe a part of me knew that this day would come. The day when I end it all in the hope of a better afterlife with the people who care about me, the people who love me.

So there is still one thing to adress and that is how I am going to do it. I realize now that is the thing I have been thinking the most about for the last few months, but the thing that made me decide was Leah. At first the plan was to throw myself in front of a car, which might sound weird but was the exact thing she did, but as I started thinking about it I understood that she had done that so that I wouldn't be hit and therefore that option was out of the question. But another idea came to me when I released her ashes and now I have the perfect way to do it. I am going to get on the bus for a long ride to paradise, the large luscious green forest. Once I am there I will hike up to the highest cliff, the one where I released Leah's spirit, and I will follow her example of a journey to a better place. I will feel the wind in my hair, hear the birds and maybe even see a yellow butterfly as I find my inner peace in a free fall to the afterlife. If my luck by any chance has changed, maybe grandma and Leah will be waiting for me, maybe they will give me all the love my mom couldn't, and I will never bother her again. I understand now that all I ever was to my mother, was an unwanted bother. I am sorry if I didn't make much sense with this "note" but to summarize it, I am going to kill myself by jumping of a cliff.

It has been nice writing to you,

Goodbye dear Nobody.