Drugs - Jace Wayland Fanfiction

Chapter 10

I stare at my window. The moon light through the curtains shines on my face. I take a deep breath.
I can't sleep.
I look at the clock, it's 3 am.
I push my head against my pillow and grown, plopping another one on my face, I let out a scream muffled by the pillow.

I've been in bed since midnight and I haven't been able to rest since.

I'm troubled by that night, what happened.
I'm remembering my mom, I miss her.

I think back of when I burned alive my rapist, I don't feel anything, no anger, no remorse, no sadness.

I'm thinking about Jace, the way he makes me feel.

I stare at the ceiling with all these thoughts circling in my mind, keeping me from resting.

What would my mom be thinking if she knew what I just did?
The way I simply killed a man.
No, even worse, tortured a mundane. Would she be disappointed?
Would she be happy that I did it, considering the circumstances?
What would she have done if she was in my shoes ?
Jace and I are so much alike as we are so different from one another.
We care for each other, we fight together. We're almost better when we're with one another than when we're apart.
Shouldn't that make me his parabatai instead of Alec ?
But that wouldn't make any sense, parabatais cannot love each other romantically.

I slap my forehead, am I in love with Jace ?

Do I love him ?
Yes, but like a brother... A brother that I make out with ? Ew gross, I don't think so, I love him more than that.

Would my mother like him ? We're almost in a relationship, we just don't have that title yet, but if we did, would my mom approve my choice ?
She would, Jace is good to me and he takes good care of me when I need him.

I smile and try to go back to sleep.

I open my eyes and look at the clock, 3:45. What the hell man.

I look outside, it's still dark. What's wrong with me.
I used to struggle falling asleep after my mom died. I would wake up with nightmares and night terrors, shaking, scared out of my mind by reality.
I used to have full on panic attacks, all alone in my bed in the middle of the night with no one to comfort me but myself.
I'd cry myself to sleep almost every night, wishing to not feel anything anymore.

Be aware of what you wish.

My eyes open once again, I look at the clock, it's 4:30.
I angrily get off my bed, throwing my sheets off me and stomping on the ground like an frustrated child.
I get in my bathroom and open the lights, I get in front of my mirror and stare at my reflection, my eye bags are big, deep and full of colours.
What do I tell Jace? What even is gonna happen in between the two of us.
Love and feelings can be distracting in our line of work.
Love can make us weak, I've been told that ever since I came to the Institute in New York.

My mom used to dream about her prince charming, since my dad died on the battlefield amongst demons before I was even born. I'm pretty sure he didn't even knew my mom was pregnant at the time.

I tie my hair up and wash my face, then I brush my teeth.
I get dressed in some work out clothes and leave my room to go train.

Once I get in the training room I start hitting the punching repeatedly. I kick it with my foot once in a while until I can't feel my kuckles. Then I start practicing with a sword my attacks.
I don't see time fly by as I concentrate on nothing else than my breathing, my strength and the fluidity of my attacks.
The sword cuts the air as my mind frees herself of any remorse or guilt.
I feel free. Training makes me relax.

I drop the sword on the ground and start doing some push ups, then I do some sit ups, I do the plank until my arms feel on fore and I get up to do some sumo squats.

Then I go back to hitting a bag.

" Why are you awake so early ? " Asks Alec from behind me.

I stop my beating and turn around to look at him,

" I couldn't sleep. " I shrug, " I had too many things in my mind. "

He walks closer to me and starts to tidy the training floor that I got really messy.

" It's 8am now,  come on, I'll cook us some eggs. "

I rune my Iratze for my injured knuckles and follow him to the kitchen, I do am hungry after all that training.
We enter the room and I go sit so I can watch Alec cook. He takes out eggs, butter, bread, some seasonings, a pan, a bowl and a spatula

" Do you wanna talk about it ? " Alec says while cracking eggs in the bowl,

" There's a lot of things I could talk about right now. " I reply with a sigh,

" You miss her.  And you're wondering what she would be thinking of you right now, don't you ? "

I close my eyes, Alec has always been the one to know how to read me.

" Everyday I'm missing her. It gets easier with time but I could never forget... "

" You ashamed of something? " He sends me a side look,

" You know, when we went to go get revenge on the man. I did really bad things to him. And then, I thought that if my mom was still watching me, what would she say to me ? "

I said it. Here, it's not the truth whole but part of it. Alec takes a minute to respond, pouring the eggs in the pan he turns to me for a second.

" I don't know, I never knew your mom. But, what you did was right. He did something more than wrong, he deserved to pay.
Your mom would've wanted you to do what you think is right, and if you think that was the right thing to do, then so be it. " Alec tells me then goes back to cook the eggs.

" Yeah... She might be. " I smile a little,

" Frankly, I'm beating myself up a little bit over the fact that I could've and should've went with you there. I declined the offer and now I know I should've been there. "

" No, Alec no. Don't you beat yourself over what happened that night. The only person there is to blame is the one who did all this to me. "

" But I could've been there... I could've and you... "

" My dear, don't. Okay ? I'm fine now, there's nothing a shadowhunter can't handle. I fell from a building, we fought demons side by side, we almost died multiple times. You think a small fuck like that would be affecting me? My dignity? I don't think so. "

He laughs, " You might be right. "