Indescribable

Chapter One

The soft grass tickled her toes as she stepped outside from her glorious farmhouse. The sun beat down on her, soaking her skin with warmth. She took a deep breath and smiled, simply happy to be alive and well. She ran across the wide-open field barefoot and laughing, only to stumble into the bed of grass. She exhaled in relief and opened her eyes to see a tall boy with hazel brown hair lending her a hand to help her up. Love at first s-

I slammed the book shut and huffed. I guess it wasn't a bad book, but it wasn't my style. It wasn't captivating, although it did sound like quite a fairy tale. I preferred tragedy books, such as "My best friend dies of suicide and now I have to cope while also falling in love but feeling guilty because I was beginning to forget him." I know it sounds dark, but it feels deeper than love at first sight.

Love is an interesting and confusing concept, one that most have not seemed to quite grasp yet. Love is defined in so many ways that I don't understand how someone can just throw around the fact they are in love. 'In love' is also a strange way to describe that special feeling. I'm not sure I'm ready to grasp all this though, considering I'm 14 and had just got home from my first day of high school.

I sighed at my book, sad that I will probably have to go to the library to find a new one or reread an old favourite off my shelves. I put it on my bedside table and stood up, having to go to the bathroom. Of course, I didn't want to go to the bathroom because that meant I would be facing the dreaded mirror. Perhaps it is an irrational fear, but it is a fear nonetheless. I was going to have to go at some point, so I rolled my eyes at myself and walked down the hall towards it.

'Avoid the mirror, avoid the mirror, avoid the mirror' I thought to myself. Avoiding the mirror kept me sane, to say the least. I got into the bathroom just fine, with my head down, but walking back out I got a glimpse of myself and it just went downhill from there. I cocked my head and gazed at my straight brown hair that fell over my shoulder and reached down to my lower back. My hair was boring, or at least I thought so. I studied at my green eyes, one of the traits I liked about myself. I leaned closer to see my nose that felt too big for my face and my lips that felt too small, nothing seemed to be proportionate. I frowned. I took a step back and lifted my shirt with one hand. I sucked in my stomach as far as I could and smiled a little. When I let out a breath it went back to the oh-so-familiar state.

'Cut it off. Just cut your stomach off and you'll be skinny.' I dropped my shirt down and shook my head. It was my intrusive thoughts talking. That's a stupid idea and it won't work.

I looked at my thighs that were also much too big, which rubbed together when I walked.

'It's the easiest way. Just do it.' No, stop. 'Do it, you'll be satisfied when you're skinny' I clutched the scissors under the counter and held them up, staring at my reflection again. The blade of the scissors hardly showed my reflection from being so old. The blade was dull and somewhat rusty, presumably obtaining the ability to give me an infection if I were to take the blade to my skin, which, of course, I was not planning to do. I sighed and dropped them onto the counter. Stupid intrusive thoughts.

I understood how much I critiqued myself, but there is eternally room for improvement for everything and I was no exception. Without my critique, I wouldn't be able to improve. It was simple reasoning really and to be honest, I couldn't stop critiquing myself

I sighed, an action I seemed to do often, as I walked out of the bathroom and back to my room. It felt foreign being alone in my room, since I am always kicked out and have to go downstairs where the rest of my family normally is, forcing me to put on a mask to make sure I seemed happy. My sister wasn't home right now, for she was out with her boyfriend again, so I had our room to myself for once. My sister was near perfect. Her grades were never below 90%, her body had a flat stomach and thin thighs and she was straight. Unlike me.

I laid down on my bed and curled into a ball, bringing my knees close to my chest and facing a wall, another common behaviour of mine. I could be compared to how a cat lays down. Sexuality wasn't confusing until approximately last year. I guess something clicked, maybe from the growing representation of LGBTQ+ in the media. I was bisexual. For now at least. I wasn't set on a label quite yet. Since I am closeted, I frequently think about how my family would react if I came out. I know they aren't homophobic but they might react weirdly if their daughter was gay.

My thoughts were all over today and I did not have the energy to deal with them. I always had days like this, where I seemly was stuck inside my head, stuck inside my treacherous body and had no escape. No peace. It was stressful. I didn't choose to be like this, choose to have intrusive thoughts, choose to critique myself so much and choose so many other imperfections about myself. I thought about this a lot and I knew I was just working myself up and needed to sleep.

"I'm going to bed!" I called down to my parents. "Goodnight!"

I suppose you could saying sleeping is how I cope. Not that I had to cope with anything, it was most likely that I was making up all my problems was attention anyway. Attention from who exactly, I don't know.

My thoughts spiraled through scenarios with my old friends, my current friend and an unmet lover, who I may meet in an unexpected way..., until I fell asleep.