the five stages of grief.

introduction

to dadu, 

may you find the mercy in your heart to forgive me for my broken promises.

Tangled earphones were the single most irritating issue ever, especially when there were about four stops left until Tasnim had to get off the bus. She mentally cursed herself for being indecisive on whether or not she should accompany her bus journey home by listening to music whilst looking out of the window, glorifying the entire thing as if she was the main character in a Bollywood movie, freshly broken up with due to familial pressures with the likes of Romeo and Juliet. She knew that it had to be a Bollywood movie because that was the only chance she had to being a main character - that was only if every life decision revolved around a man, of course. Tasnim exhaled under her face mask and felt her breath circulate to her nose and ears; the day everything would go back to normal would be a glorious one to say the least. 

She sighed a breath of relief when the wires of the earphones finally aligned parallel to one another, thinking of the film representation of Muslim Bangladeshi women was quite draining, albeit one that was done often by Tasnim. She plugged in the wires, waiting for the satisfying click followed by the lighting gup of her lock screen - a gif of Cha Eun Woo dancing for a music video, with all the other members in the background, cropped or blurred out. The happiness of seeing his face almost always overpowered the thoughts of the embarrassment Tasnim would feel if someone were to ask her even a single question about who, how or why she has chosen those display options. She lowered her mask carefully, breathed onto the screen ad used her black  hijab to wipe the dust that had managed to latch onto the surface, contrasting against the white outfit her beloved celebrity was wearing. How fitting that he was wearing white, the angel that he was.

Tasnim scrolled until she saw the green symbol and tapped on it, selecting the first playlist on her screen as her favourite had been pinned. The frequent carrying out of these motions had made them muscle memory - tap, swipe, scroll, tap, play. A playlist called 'foolishly patient', a reference to Giveon's 'Heartbreak Anniversary', a song that Tasnim had repeated many times during her getting ready sessions. If the walls in her room could speak, that would be the only song of which the lyrics could be coherently recited. 

She didn't have Spotify Premium, but had gotten used to the ads of the many universities promoting themselves with their 'number one ranked facilities'. The university ranking websites must be giving out positions like the New York Times gives out bestsellers - regardless of quality. The ads served as a break from the aforementioned paracosm Tasnim had created for herself - for some reason, unbeknownst to anyone, she was also sad in the utopian version of her life. 

If it wasn't clear already, the reserved nature of Tasnim in public was very generously compensated for by the thoughts in her head. Cacophony would be the toned-down understatement of what was going on within the diameters of her skull. 

Tasnim tapped shuffle play. 

Spotify now playing Leave Your Lover - Sam Smith from playlist 'foolishly patient'. 

She scrunched up her nose and quickly used one of her valuable 6 skips for the hour. Being on a stuffy bus where she would struggle to breathe even if she wasn't wearing a facemask was not a very good setup for listening to Sam Smith. 

Spotify now playing Movie - Tom Misch from playlist 'foolishly patient'.

Tasnim beamed; this song playing in a playlist of almost 80 songs was an outright blessing - a sign that the day ahead would be a good one. She bopped her head in a not-so-subtle manner to the masterpiece she called her favourite song; Tom Misch has a way with his instruments and voice that made his songs sound like the music manifestation of shoving your hands into a bag of rice. 5 minutes and 57 seconds of pure bliss - heaven as Tasnim would call it, this truly was what heaven must feel like. Tasnim fluttered her eyes shut to truly enjoy the essence of the last few seconds of this mesh between jazz and RnB. She was truly grateful for the music she had in her life as it accompanied her through her best and worst moments. Music was a hug from a friend that Tasnim enjoyed, even though physical contact made her uncomfortable at times.