A Helping Hand

Another little victory

Sarah stopped at the gas station the day after the Tesla gala. The clerk did a double take. Sarah smiled and glanced at the tabloids on the way out. Her face was hovering over Tony's shoulder in a little circle, the text below it asking if she was the governess of his heart. She rolled her eyes, laughed, and hit the road.

When she arrived at the house, she heard music. Howard was dancing in the kitchen while he cooked eggs.

"Hey, kiddo- where'd you learn to cook?"

"Uncle James taught me how to make eggs! Go sit with Dad, they're almost done."

She did as he asked and settled in across from Tony, "Morning, boss."

"Morning. You need a refill on your coffee?"

"Just get me a fresh cup, will you? The paper one died a horrible death in the car on the way here."

"Ouch. I'll have that cleaned."

"No worries, the car will just smell like coffee for a few days. It's seen worse."

He returned with her coffee, "So...anyone bother you about the gala?"

"I think the clerk at the gas station was pretty surprised, but no. I live a quiet life, remember?"

"You and the rats. I don't suppose they said anything."

"Nope."

"What about Maebel?"

"She knows to wait until I bring something up. Nothing from her."

"Serge?"

"Not yet, but he's in West Virginia with Mum and Babushka, so I doubt he even knows."

"Do you have anybody else in your life? Boyfriend? Girlfriend? Pizza guy? You never talk about your friends and in the car..."

"I don't have anybody else. I told you that. Dating seems like a waste of time. Oh, and the pizza guy won't deliver in my neighbourhood."

"But why not? It's not like you have to be a hermit in order for the press to leave you alone."

"I just don't, Tony. I don't like to get close to people."

"Does this have to do with the person you lost?"

"A little. I like to keep to myself."

"But are you happy that way?"

"Mostly." Howard called that the eggs were done.

In the months leading up to the anniversary of Pepper's death, Tony fell off the wagon a few times, but when Sarah asked him to start over, he did each time. His determination grew when Howard cheered him on and he finally made it to the boy's school conferences. For the first time in a long time, he was not afraid of saying something stupid to the teachers or staff.

When the anniversary came, Sarah prepared for the worst. She packed her overnight bag, brought a few spare sets of clothes in case she had to scrub the floors, and whipped her hair up with a pencil to make sure she was ready for anything. It was quiet. Too quiet. She set her coffee on the kitchen counter and went to find the Starks. She found them sitting in Pepper's room, the photo albums and scrapbooks open across the bed. She returned upstairs to the dishes.

She was surprised at the end of the day to find Tony still sober as he tucked Howard into bed and kissed his forehead. He retreated to his own room, passing her in the hall.

"Sarah, can you come sit with me for a little while?"

"Sure, boss."

He sat down on the bed, "It was just before midnight when it took her."

She settled next to him, "I'm so sorry."

"Thanks. I don't want to be alone tonight. Can you stay?"

"Sure. I'll throw my stuff in the guestroom."

"Can you stay here? I don't want that to sound creepy or anything, I just...I don't want to be alone tonight."

"Just sharing bedspace?"

"Yeah. Nothing else."

"OK."

He was a little surprised by how easily she accepted his request, "Really? You don't feel weird about this?"

"No. Humans aren't made to sleep alone. And the night can be a relief and release or it can be utterly terrifying when we are left with only our thoughts and the shadows."

"Go get your bag. I need to just talk." She did as he asked and found Howard curled up beside him when she returned, "He fell asleep as soon as he was beside me."

"Do you still want me in here?"

"Yes." She got ready for bed and snuggled under the covers, "I want to drown the memories, Sarah. I want them dulled, gone, and I want to just drink until I black out so I don't think about any of this anymore."

"I think she'd be proud of you for coming as far as you have this past year."

"Extremis killed her. It wasn't even something she did. God, Sarah... I didn't even believe her when she said she didn't blame me. How can I believe she'd be proud of me?"

"Because it's belief. You'll never know, so you have to convince yourself that I'm right. And you have her letters."

"Yeah. Where she says she knows I'll fall apart after she dies. She knew. She told me to focus on Howie, but I couldn't even do that right."

She hugged him, "Grief sucks. It pulls us away from what we know we should be doing, but you've got this, boss. You made it to Howard's conferences. You've been sober for the better part of the past four months. You keep getting back up when you fall down. And you've got an adoring son who loves sharing time with you. You're going to keep moving forward with her in your heart."

"You're a smart one, Sarah."

"I do my best. Close your eyes. Rest. Tomorrow is the first day of year two."

"And somehow I'm going to make it?"

"Exactly."

Sarah woke the nest morning to find Howard already getting ready for school, Tony sleeping soundly, curled up against her. She showered, dressed, cooked breakfast, and was soon on the road.

Howard was quiet on the way to school, but after they passed the frozen barnyard where he usually counted cows, she asked, "Hey, kiddo- is everything OK?"

"Yeah. Just thinking. Can I ask you something?"

"Anything and everything, even if it's awkward or weird."

"Do you like Dad?"

"Well, yeah. He's a nice guy."

"No. I mean do you like Dad?"

Sarah thought for a moment, "Why do you ask?"

"Way to dodge the question."

"I'll answer in a minute, but I want to know why."

"Because he was all cuddled up to you last night."

"Your dad was having a hard time thinking about your mom."

"I know. So was I. And it's OK if you two are, I guess."

"First off, we're not. And even if we were, I would never try to replace your mom- when he finally does start dating again, you be bold and tell him that any girlfriend who tries needs to take a hike."

"Do you like Dad?"

"A little, I guess. But don't you tell him that."

He smiled, "Don't worry, your secret's safe with me."