The one who committed suicide

I.

"Without start there is no end, and without end there is no start."

This is what my father taught me, before he went onto another life. The funny thing is, this is the only teaching that I remember from him. He didn't really search for the meaning of life. He didn't believe in the afterlife. He believed in 'now'. That he will cease to exist, never to be found again. He always said, live your life to the fullest. Let every moment of your life be your only and best moment, because you've never been closer to death, then now. People said that he wasn't a wise man. His view of the world wasn't very known, his words didn't come from a scientist, but he was still my father. You know sometimes, just sometimes I remember that nice, full of life smile of his. I remember how he used to dance with mom in the kitchen or how we sat down on our terrace talking about normal things, like how I was doing in school. I will never be able to talk to him again. I can't tell him how boring school is or how beautiful the new girls is. How my friends did something stupid again, how much I miss him or love him. I can't ever talk to him again.

- I can't tell him how......- I mumbled to myself. I was high up, the wind was really strong. I was standing on the building that we lived in.

I come out her every day. I would rather be up here in the cold, then to sit all alone in my room.  After dad was put below the ground, my mom pushed me away from herself and started working more. There are days when she doesn't even come home. She works night after night, tiring herself. Pushing herself to the limit.  I inhaled once from the cigarette. The wind was strongly blowing my hair while i closed my eyes because of the sunrise,it shined right in front of me. Today, I didn't sleep either. I got bags under my eyes, dark blue from tiredness.  I inhaled once again.

-A beer would taste good now.- I talked to myself again. It's a habit now, speaking to myself daily. There is no one to talk to anyway, so why be upset about it? My father is gone, and I ran into my little cage. No more trust, no more pain. It turns out that my friends weren't really my friends either. I found out that my girlfriend cheated on me yesterday, thanks to a video that my drunk classmates sent to the group-chat.

*ping*

Oh helllooo: What the f*ck is ur problem?

I'm not here: The kid caught a stroke.

Help MEEE: Worse. He was watching p*rn.

Heni: Disgusting.

I'm not here: Stop

sh*t: Guys will Anthony not come today either?

7:35 am

Iambllllllll: hi

Heni: Good morning!

oh helllooo: How are u little sh*ts?

I'm not here: A new day, new start.

Iambllllllll: Oh, shut upp.

Me(Anthony): hi guys

Heni: o.O

Iambllllllll: Whaaaaat?? Ur alive??? WE taught u died XD

Help MEEE: Yeah, u totally disappeared. We taught u hanged uself lmao. *urself

oh helllooo: Hey my guy will u come to school today ?

*types ; I'm not feeling we-* Me: No.

Iamblllllll: Why?? Oh come oooon, I can't pay for my own lunch today anyway ;)

Me: Pay for yourself, don't take my savings.

Help MEEE: Guuuuuys Anthony today is reallyyy therrreeee.

oh helllooo: It's like he's drunk and angry at the same time lol

Heni: Leave him be already, you know what happened to his father

Iamblllllll: Okayyyy, BUT what ab my food?

Heni: You're not eating today. Anthony come to school today.

7:43 am

Heni: Anthony?

Help MEEE: leave it alone, he wont answer anyway.

*End of text messages*

He's right, I don't plan on writing back. And you know what? This was the last time I tried to yell for help.

I put my cigarette out on the concrete, and stared into the sky. Well, that beer would have been really good.  But it's not like I will have a chance to drink beer again.

I opened my cigarette box. It was empty.- Aaaaaaah..... that was my last cigarette.- followed a bog sigh witch became one with the wind.

I took a deep breath, I looked at the sky, It was as clear as water can be. How beautiful today is. I suddenly remembered, how much dad liked to look at the sky.

-Haha.... well yeah......dad, he always said that the Sun and the Moon were the most beautiful discoveries on this planet.- I explained to myself. I sighed again. I covered my face with my hands and said.- I'm starting to go crazy.

I slowly stood up from my sitting position and just looked at the city. Morning, It's the most beautiful when it's this early. Because it's neither quiet, or loud. I can see from up here, how the grown ups walk tiredly on the streets to their jobs. How some people are going home from their night shifts. On the roads here and there some cars go trough the red, yellow, green lights. At some places they stop, and on some other ones they're moving. Small, big students are running to their classes. They run and walk.  There are kids who walk in lazy mode, calm and slow, who don't even look at the world. It's not quiet, but not loud either. And here I am standing, in the middle of this miracle like an idiot. I'm wondering, how much will the fall hurt. Sometimes I even think about what comes after. Although today, I'm not scared. I can only see the freedom in every movement of the people down there. As I am looking down, watching humans, I suddelny remember my mothers words.

"-Anthony look at the sky. They say that every star resembles a human. When a child is born, a new star appears on the sky.- she laughed gently.

-And what if someone dies?- I asked with my thin child voice.

-Ten the stars light will fade away, and will be no more."

"Be no more." it repeated in my head. It scared me. This fear didn't last too long and the peace took over my body once again. Today was the first time, that fear didn't stop me. Right now, the only reason why I was shivering was because of the cold wind. If only you would know how many times I stood here, on the edge of the ridge.

-If only they would know how many times I tried to get the courage to- I stopped."To jump."I finished the sentence in my head, like they were my last words.

I've always dreamed about how I want the sky to be the last thing I see. Let the frosty sunrise be my farewell. I turned around, and now my attention was at the concrete, like the last warning. And then I was falling. The gravitation was pulling my body towards freedom. I was flying. "That beer would have tasted well." I said to myself, my last taught as I was falling. Today was, the last time I smoked the last piece of cigarette, and today, was the last time I asked for help. I taught about my mothers delicate face for the last time. I am seeing the Sun, for the last time. One of the the Galaxy's most beautiful discovery.

The last thing I remember is the sudden pain in my back and hands. At that time I didn't even think, how much my actions will change my future.