It's been exactly 4 months and 12 days since you've been gone, my dear. Each day I continue living on without you feels like I'm being ripped to shreds from the inside out.
Can you hear me?
Can you hear when I sob into my pillow at night and whisper your name ever so softly wishing that it was you I was grasping on to.
Oh, darling, can you hear me?
Can you hear when I sit at the window looking over the city talking to you and asking you series of questions I know you'll never answer.
Do you listen?
Do you listen when I go on and on about my day and how much I miss you. Do you listen when I sit and go on and on about how your death, a tragedy, could've been avoided if I was there by your side?
Do you see me?
When I look up at the sky talking to the man on the moon about you and how you deserved it all. How you were the sun, the moon, the stars, the world. My world.
Oh how I see flashes of our memories, going in circles around my mind like a merry go round. How our song plays as your favorite animals go up and down. And how I hear your laugh, oh that wonderful laugh, echo throughout the empty spot that you once filled.
The way you would smell the flowers, the way you would look up at the sky with the biggest smile on your face when it rained, your skin and how it glowed in the sun or was pale in the winter. The snowflakes that gently fell on to your clothing and clung on and the way your hand would touch water and ripples would be sent out. Your eyes, when you talked, lit up with passion. How when you turned around your hair flowed in slow motion as if we were in a movie. The memories of you, little snapshots taken by my own eyes still get replayed day after day.
The letters you wrote to me still remain locked away for I am too afraid my tears will stain the pages with your touch that hopefully still lingers. I'm afraid to touch your belongings for they are too fragile for my shaky hands to dare drop. The smell of your perfume, it stays in the air of our apartment and the day I can't smell it anymore is the day I'll turn completely mad.
I'm gripping on to everything you left behind as if it's a replacement for you when it's not because you're gone and gone is all you'll ever be.
