I TRY...

I look.. And see nothing

I drop to the ground with tear after tear... repeating the thoughts in my head aloud. "I'm not gorgeous, I'm just pretty, I'm not skinny, I'm anorexic, I'm not amazing, I'm good." I look at my cold hands and think.. "I have these hands waiting..waiting for me to make a move. their calling me to grab something I can kill my heart with." I sit there on the cold ground wondering if I should get up.
"Should I?"
I sit there for a couple of minutes.. I get up slowly and turn my back to see my reflection. I see that I'm looking at.....nothing much. I'm looking at a tall girl that is too skinny, with brown hair and blond tips at the end of her hair that barely passed her shoulders, with her brown eyes and glasses. That's all people see... is my reflection! I cant handle the guilt anymore.. so I drop back down to the floor again and repeat what I've been saying before. I cry myself to sleep after forty-five minutes.. I couldn't stand myself anymore! I asked myself if I was annoying. I felt so stressed. I felt I had to try...I need to try! I felt I could go to school in this new way where everybody will think I'm HOT, GORGEOUS, AND AMAZING!! I planned it all out.. I heard my mom coming up the stairs. I wiped my tears off real fast and asked my mom how her day was. she said it was fine and asked me how mine was.. I told her that it was ok but not great, like I always do. she said at least it wasn't bad. she also told me it was time for bed. so I told her good night and everything a "perfect" daughter is suppose to say. after that I planned everything out for tomorrow! I was thinking I was for sure going to get attention!! Then I suddenly realize that this still doesn't make me perfect.. I needed to change my personality! I needed to change my whole life. I jump in the air crying and fell on my bed with my back facing the ceiling, then looking over with one tear drop on my sheet, looking by my window then I see the beautiful stars. I look at the millions of stars in the sky and think "I want to be like those stars!Their pretty! And they shine!!" I fell asleep with tears trickling down my face and splashing on my sheets once again, still looking at those stars!✨