ᵃˡᵒⁿᵉ | ᵃᵒᵗ

jealous

Maybe your reasoning for joining the cadets wasn't as admirable as the others, but at least you were willing to die for the betterment of humanity, right?
"So, why did you join, [y/n]?" Connie asked.
You just shrugged. It's not like you'd be able to tell them anyways. You were afraid of the stares, the pity that they would give you if you told them the truth.
"Just because... We're all gonna die anyway, why not die helping humanity?" You took a bite of the food, chewing a bit before continuing, "I'd like to go out doing something important."
It was a half-truth, and you were glad they believed you, not pressing the matter anymore.
You gave a glance towards Jean, hoping he was paying attention.
He wasn't.
Nothing new, you thought.
Sighing, you get up and leave, no one saying goodbye, no one even noticed you left.
And maybe, you'd like to keep it that way.
Jean's eyes followed the wrong girl. Maybe if he spared a single look your way... maybe he wouldn't have found you breaking down behind the baths, arms bloodied and an unfamiliar knife in your hands.
"You could have anyone you want... Why'd you want to be with me? I'm nothing special." He listened to you speaking to yourself.
You bit your lip, trying to stop yourself from crying even more. "I don't care... I don't care," Shakily, you were able to stand up. "Do whatever you want." You sighed deeply and washed off your arms, a numb look on your face the whole time.
Jean left at that. He couldn't bear to watch anymore. He wanted to remember the old you, the happy you.
Walking back in the boy's cabin, he overheard Bertholt and Connie talking, "What do you think she meant by that? It makes it sound like she joined just to be able to die, like she didn't care if she saw the world get better... Y'know?" Bertholt inquires.
Connie shrugs, "Why worry about it? Not really our problem."
"Who are you talking about?" Jean walks up to them.
"[Y/n]." Armin answers
"Oh..." Jean looks away, eyeing the floors.
"Jean, you were friends with her right? What was she like as a kid?" The two others lean forward in anticipation.
Jean's eyebrows furrow, "Why do you want to know?"
"Well, we're just curious! She seems so mellow... was she always like this?"
Jean sits on the edge of the bed, hand on his chin as he looks back, "No... she was really happy, and would always be outside. From dusk till dawn."
"Oh, so an outdoorsy type? Maybe that's why? She wanted to be able to see outside the walls... and then she'd be able to die happy?" Bertholt is desperately trying to decipher what you meant.
Jean stands up, and walks over to his bed, "Well, sure I guess. But as Connie said, it's not really our problem. Is it?" He bites his lip, knowing that's not the case.
But, Jean ignores your silent pleas for help nonetheless.
Bertholt is left with his own thoughts, as everyone else goes to bed.
----
Commander Erwin was an intimidating man, but he didn't scare you.
It certainly wasn't surprising, when people began rushing past you, to get out of there. You stood there, stubbornly, as people pushed you, stumbled over you, just to get away.
Only a few people from the 104th remained, and Erwin eyed his new scouts, his eyes lingering on the one person that didn't look afraid, you.
Staring right back at him, Erwin lifts his chin a little, before moving on
Jean was trembling, he wasn't quite sure why he stayed with the rest of them, Eren's newfound power scared him, and he wasn't sure what to do. As they were leaving, you came up behind him and patted his shoulder. He looked at your back as you walked ahead.
You seemed to be doing just fine now, so Jean wasn't worried about you anymore, the incident that took place back during training, now at the back of his mind.
Armin scurried to be by your side, "Hey, [y/n]!"
You nod in acknowledgment, "Armin. Didn't peg you to be the type to join the scouts."
He chuckles, "Well, I joined because-"
"I don't really wanna know." You waved him off, and continued, "I just wanna be alone." You sighed, "Just leave me alone."
Armin stopped in his tracks. And, you almost felt bad. But you couldn't afford to make friends.
After all, you came here to die.
Jean watched in disbelief, and joined Armin's side, "Hey you alright?"
Armin nodded, hesitantly, and continued on. "Maybe you should try to talk to her. You two were friends right?"
He shrugs, "Well that was long ago before she moved to Shiganshina."
-----
You bumped into Reiner when you arrived at HQ and looked at the burly man.
"Sorry, Reiner."
"Oh! It's good... Are you alright?" He scratches the back of his neck
"Yes. I'm fine."
"That's good... um, how do you know my name?"
Your dead eyes looked into his brown ones, "It's okay if you don't remember me. I'm nothing special."
With that, you walked past him, and into your shared room. Your roommates were already there, Ymir and Christa.
Giving them a curt nod, you place your stuff on the only empty bed and start packing away your things.
Christa speaks up, "Hi! I'm Christa, that's Ymir! She can be a little mean but don't mind her. What's your name?"
"I don't have time." You stood up, and looked at the two of them, "Don't ask how my day's been, I just wanna be alone."
Ymir scoffs, "Sure I'm the mean one."
Christa sends her a small glare and turns back to face you, but you've already left.
You were wandering the halls, trying to get your bearings, but ran into another person. Captain Levi, and Hange Zoe. You bowed in respect.
"What're you doing here?" Levi asked.
"Just checking my surroundings... getting used to the place."
He eyes you warily, but Hange surges up to you, "That's great! I can show you around then!"
You shake your head, "No thank you. I just wanna be alone, I'm done anyway."
Turning back around, Levi calls out, "That's not the way to the dorms."
You give him a side glance, "I know. Goodbye now." You give them both a short bow and take your leave.
Taking your horse, you saddle her up and take her to the nearby meadow.
Jumping off, you allow her to graze as you watch the sunset.
----
Jean walked up to Eren, "Hey have you seen [y/n]?"
Eren gives him a quizzical look, putting down the bucket of water, "Who?"
"Uhh... never mind, I'll ask around."
He catches Connie, "Hey where's [y/n]?"
Connie smirks, "Why do you wanna know?"
Sasha perks up from behind him, "Who's that?"
"You seriously don't remember her?" Connie asks.
Sasha shakes her head, "No! I never met anyone by that name!"
Jean gives your description, and Sasha taps her chin, "Oh! I think I know who you're talking about. There was someone that looked like that in our cabin, but she never spoke to us." She deflates, "And whenever we would ask for her name, she just said, 'leave me alone.' Forgot she existed for a second there!"
"Well, have you seen her around?"
Connie shrugs, "She went to the stables."
Jean sighs, realizing she was long gone by now. "Thanks anyways guys, see ya."
-----
"Oh! [y/n]!" The tall brunette ran up to you.
"Bertholdt." You give him a nod.
He slows as he reaches you, a slight flush on his face, "I was wondering if you'd like to train with Mikasa! I think you and Annie are the only ones that are evenly matched against her, and she's been looking for a challenge."
You seem to think for a moment, considering it. But then you saw Levi, he was looking right at you.
"I don't have the time." You sighed. "Just leave me alone."
Walking away, you pause and turn around one more time, "But... Thank you Bertholdt. It means a lot that you thought about me." Giving him a soft smile, you leave it at that.
You could feel Levi's eyes following you, but you ignored it and went into the bathroom.
Staring at yourself in the mirror, the knife in your pocket seemed to get heavier, and heavier, persuading you.
You gave in and pulled out the knife. Its cool steel handle, searing hot in your hands. Sighing, you flick out the blade.
Slashing it across your arms, in the only empty space left on your forearm.
You watch as the blood slithers down your wrist, and into the sink.
A knock startles you, and the knife drops from your hands.
"A-ah, yes?"
A gruff voice answers, "Are you done in there brat? Training starts in five minutes!"
"Oh, Captain Levi! Um... yeah one second." Quickly bandaging your arms, you scurry out into the hallway and make your way towards the training fields.
Levi peers into the bathroom, grimacing at the bloodstained sink, and the knife on the ground, dried blood on its blade.
He picks it up, examining its unusual details, "Now how'd the brat get a hold of a knife from the underground?"
----
Hurriedly, you put your jacket back on, covering the new and older bandages.
Connie waves you over, "Oi! Jean's been looking for you!"
You stare at him, "I don't care."
Connie's smile falters as you walk past him, and up to Bertholdt, "I can take up that offer now that I'm free."
"Oh, Mikasa's over there." He points at her warming up.
You walk up to her, "Mikasa."
She nods and gets into a defensive stance.
Smiling, you silently walk up closer, and closer, until you bump into her arm. She stares at you, confused.
You push her just a little, and she loses her balance.
With her balance shifted, you're able to snake behind her, and hold your thumb up to her trachea, your legs around her torso as she falls backward onto the ground.
"I thought you were looking for a challenge, Mikasa. But that was too easy." You turn your head towards Eren, and he's glaring at you, "Well I guess I win. Sorry about that."
Mikasa rubs her throat as she stands back up, "Who even are you..."
You sigh deeply, and Levi is the only one that takes notice of the sad look in your eyes. "I'm nothing special."
Levi's eyebrows furrow as you walk away. He pulls you aside, with the knife in hand.
"Oh. Thank you Captain Levi. And sorry for leaving a mess in the bathroom. I can clean it now if you'd like." You try grabbing the knife, but he pulls away.
"Where'd you get this knife?"
"My hometown, why?"
He glares at you, but you just stand there patiently. "Cause, this is from the underground."
You sigh once again, what seems to be the hundredth time, "Well, yeah. Cause I'm from there."
Levi's eyes widened, he wasn't expecting you to be so nonchalant about it, "Then how'd you get up here?"
"I don't remember."
Levi scoffs, but he sees no sign of you lying. He looks at your arm, bandages peeking out of your sleeve, "I'm keeping this. You won't be getting it back until I can trust you with it."
You shrug, "Do whatever you want. I don't care."
Turning on your heels, you leave him there, dumbfounded.
As you're walking back, your eyes wander over to Jean, who seems to be ogling Mikasa, asking if she was alright.
Eren runs up behind you, "Do you only care about yourself?" he yells.
You stop in your tracks and turn to face him. "Yeah."
"Eh, why?"
"Cause everyone's trying to hurt me." You stare off, seemingly looking through the young boy in front of you.
Connie steps up, "But we're not-"
You send him a glare, "I wasn't talking about you guys."
Jean grabs a hold of your arm, "[Y/n], can't you apologize to Mikasa?"
Sighing, you shake him off, "I don't have time. Besides, she was the one that wanted help training, it's not like I hurt her."
"What changed you!" Jeans cries out, exasperatedly. "You're not the [y/n] that I remember!"
"Stop talking about the past. I don't wanna hear it." You cover your ears with your hands, almost like a small child.
You try walking away, but he grabs a hold of you again, and the familiar feeling of panic overwhelms you, memories from the long past while in the underground re-surfacing.
***
The man grabs hold of your arm harshly, and you try to squirm away.
He pulls you up, successfully popping your shoulder out of place, and you cry out. "Let go of me!"
"God! Shut up!" He drops you and kicks you across the room Whimpering your curl into a fetal position, trying to ease your growing pain.
"You know, you're kind of pretty for a brat." The man says, walking closer to your hunched form.
You knew where this was going, and you were terrified, "Stop! Get away from me! Someone help me!"
Your cries went unheard, as he took another step, and your face pales as he leans down, grabbing your face.
***
"Jean Kirstein, let go of me right now."
He doesn't, and tears start welling up in your eyes, "Please... just let me go. Don't hurt me."
Jean let go quickly, his eyes wide, "What are you-"
"I just wanna be alone. Just leave me alone." Quickly turning away, you leave him, and everyone else there wondering, speculating, on what just happened.
Jean watches as your figure disappears into the building, not knowing that was going to be the last look he got of you before the upcoming expedition.
---
No one really noticed your absence, well that's what you wanted anyway.
However, Levi twirled the knife between his hands, droplets of blood still on the cool steel handle. Your blood.
Levi grimaces at that thought and quickly wipes it off. Sighing, he places the knife in his pocket.
He swallows thickly as he runs his fingers over the rough fabric of the scout patch, a solemn look on his face as he adds your patch to the bin.