I allow my desperation to gloss over the blatant abuse this would be of my friendship with José, the fact that I'll be using his affections for me so mercilessly. Even now I know the relationship will never last, but then, I don't need it to. All I need is for Christian to let me go.
Inwardly I cower as the dark strategy unfolds itself before me. If I tell José that Christian has rejected me because of the baby, then José - traditional man that he is - will come charging to the rescue, happily taking me and little blip into his life. The idea is gut-wrenchingly sad, but is the only out I can see.
Through the blur of my eyes I rip a page from my notebook. There's a painful twist in my belly when I shakily apply the pen to paper, realizing that this will probably be the last thing I'll ever get to say to Christian. My subconscious is embalming my inner goddess, wrapping her in gauze and laying her down. She's gone and so is my resolve to fight back the flood of tears.
The sob escaping me is loud, ricocheting off the walls, startling me. I almost lose my nerve when I take a second to measure the pain as it tears through me. It's so much, so severe, that I can't begin to comprehend it and therein lies my saving grace. It's simply too much to feel. The break is akin to being branded: indelible, something I'll never get over. I find the last surge of courage I need in the love I hold for him. I must keep going, I will myself - for Christian, for little blip.
With my meager bag of worldly possessions clutched under my arm, I listen for sounds in order to pinpoint Sawyer. He's on the phone in Taylor's office with his back turned to the door. Quietly I sneak past to the main electrical board in the utility room. I flick the switch for the electrical supply, then mentally start the countdown before the generator kicks in. I make a dash for the fire escape stairs and barrel down, taking them two at a time. With any luck, Sawyer will waste time searching the apartment for me before he realizes I'm gone. I've made sure that no one will be able to track me. I've left the BlackBerry and the Mac behind, and because of the built-in tracking devices, Christian's impressive fleet of cars is off limits. Leaving the building on foot then blending into the crowd is my best option for escape.
