Surprise, Surprise! { Qian Kun Series }

Chapter 4

Maryluz sat in her office chair staring at the payroll spreadsheet on the computer. Her disorderly hair hung limply around her shoulders. Dark circles ringed her eyes. She had not had it in her to put on make-up today. Dealing with clinical depression was never easy, but some days were worse than others. Today was a bad day.

Her phone beeped again. Another text from Kun. He tried to keep them light, but Maryluz knew that she was hurting him. But it would hurt him more to get into a serious relationship with her. If she accepted him as her boyfriend, he would bear witness to days like today. Maryluz shivered slightly. The very thought of him seeing her low days was too much to contemplate. She had to admit that she liked him. She liked him very much. And yet, she knew the stress he carried daily, and she couldn't bear to add to his burden. So, she hadn't responded to his texts for a week. She knew that ghosting was cruel, but she couldn't seem to muster the courage to tell him in person. Well, to be more specific, she knew if she spoke to him in person, her resolve would fail. One look into those kind, brown eyes and she would become lost in them. And then, she could never tell him the truth. She would stand there and lie like hell to keep him by her side. But then, what would happen? Inevitably, the Great Sadness would come and drag her down the muddy riverbank yet again and leave her gasping for air like he always did.

At first, she had fought the Great Sadness. She would blast music, party, drink, eat anything in sight, and sleep until noon. She hoped her bad behavior would drive him away. But no such luck. She tried to starve the Great Sadness and relegate him to a corner of her mind, but he was never a guest who accepted neglect. The Great Sadness would dance and swirl in her mind until she paid attention to him. Sometimes, he would grab the garden hose and spray her eyes until the water would flow down her cheeks, even at the most inopportune times. In short, the Great Sadness had staked his claim and was determined to be as disruptive as possible.

She walked to the coffee maker. The coffee was old, maybe by a day or so. She sniffed it. It smelled sour, but even still, she heated it in the microwave. She added an obscene amount of sugar to it, but nothing covered its staleness. She remembered making coffee with Kun. Freshly ground, freshly brewed, hot and rich. But today, she didn't have the strength to make coffee as it was meant to be enjoyed. She could barely bring herself to do her work. She was thankful for her staff who did such a great job of standing in the gap when she couldn't pull it together.

The bell on the door tinkled as someone entered the shop. "I'll be right there!" Maryluz yelled out from the back room. As she entered the front of the shop, she saw Kun standing close to the door with a bouquet of lilies. Maryluz caught her breath, and her hand went to her hair to smooth it down.

"How did you get my address?" she asked.

"Is that the first thing you want to say to me when I walk in the door with flowers?" countered Kun, a bit defensively.

"I'm sorry," Maryluz amended. "You're right. Thank you very much for the flowers," she said, taking them from him and laying them on top of a stack of papers on her desk. She hurriedly tried to gather the files strewn haphazardly across her desk in a desperate attempt to project some sense of order in the midst of her evident disarray.

"By the way, your business address is on your card," said Kun, flashing one of Maryluz' business cards.

"Oh, of course," she said, feeling dumb for not having realized how he got her address. "So, what can I do for you?" she asked, sounding very professional.

"What can you do for me?" he asked, rhetorically. "Wow, that's a question. Well, maybe first off, you could answer my texts."

"I meant to get to that," Maryluz hedged.

"Did you?" Kun asked, his eyes filled with uncertainty. "Because it kind of seems like you really don't want to talk to me. If I've done something to offend you, I wish you would just tell me instead of doing this thing where you ghost me for days on end."

"Yeah," Maryluz sighed heavily. The stale coffee she had drunk was roaring back up her throat and making her mouth taste sour. She really hadn't prepared herself for the possibility that Kun would come to find her. Now, he was standing in front of her, and she could feel her resolve failing her, just as she had predicted it would.

"You seem off," observed Kun. "Is something wrong?"

"In what way do I seem off?" asked Maryluz, immediately regretting it because now he would have to put into words the obvious.

"Well, you look different, for one thing," Kun ventured.

"Oh, I look different," scoffed Maryluz. "Good one! So, I guess if I'm not in full make-up with my hair all dolled up then you are displeased, your Majesty."

"I didn't say that. Why are you twisting my words? I just said you look different. You don't look like your usual cheery self. You are usually so full of life. You don't look that way right now. That's all I'm saying," explained Kun.

"Well, you know, I can't be on all the time. I'm sorry if I don't meet with your standards of happiness, but that's why I quit texting you. I knew you couldn't handle me when I wasn't bubbly and cheerful. See, I was right," Maryluz concluded.

"My God, woman! What are you saying? I never said you had to be on or that you had to be cheerful all the time. I was just noting that the other times I've seen you, you were different. I feel like I can't say anything right with you today. What happened? I've wracked my brain, trying to figure out what I did wrong, and I just can't come up with what it is. If you would just tell me what I did, I could try to fix it," he argued as a vein began to become visible on his forehead.

Kun looked up to see that Maryluz was weeping silently into her hands. He carefully moved closer to her and placed his hand tentatively on her arm. She put her hand over his and held on to it tightly. That gave Kun the permission he was seeking. He wrapped his arms around her and whispered into her hair, "I didn't mean to raise my voice. It won't happen again," he vowed.

"It's not that," she said in short gasps of air. "There's something wrong with me."

"What is it? What's wrong?" Kun asked as he stroked her hair.

"It's not just sadness," Maryluz managed to get out through her sobs and hiccups.

"OK."

"I mean, it's depression --- like real depression," she choked out the words.

"OK."

"I get like this a lot these days."

"OK," repeated Kun. "But depression is treatable," he added. "Are you under a doctor's care?"

"I used to be, back home. But when I first came here, the excitement of being here overrode my symptoms. It's just that recently, they have come back, and I don't have a doctor here. So, I haven't been taking anything," Maryluz explained, almost defensively.

"Why in the world would you suffer needlessly when you know you have depression? Why didn't you find a doctor and get treated?" Kun asked, concern tinging his voice.

"Well, when you're down that low, you don't tend to do the things you know you need to do. It's like someone else has to remind you to do what you need to do," Maryluz explained, her face stained with tears and days-old mascara.

"Well, then let me remind you. You are worth fighting for. You are worth taking care of. There's no reason why you should suffer alone. Let me help you. Let me take you to find someone who can help get this sorted. Yes?" he said hopefully, as he wiped her tears. "Yes?" he repeated.

"Yes," she whispered.